The Wii Has Broken My Body!

My arms, shoulders, and back hurt--basically, every muscle that I've used to swing my "tennis racket" hurts! It's good, though. I like that kind of pain. Hmmm, is that weird? Oh well. I love tennis on the Wii. We haven't even moved on to Sports Resort yet, let alone the other games we bought. The sports one is too much fun! We got it set up online last night, too, thanks to the help of someone on a message board I frequent. My husband thought we needed an adapter, but this lady said we just needed a wireless connection, and she was right. So that saved us from spending money for nothing.

My hips are also sore. They're killing me, in fact. And that, I don't think has anything to do with the Wii. I've been so sore since we were in the Pass--at first I thought it was from sleeping on the super-uncomfortable bed at my grandma's house (we have to pull the mattress off onto the floor or we just fall into the middle of the bed), but I've been in my own lovely bed for two nights now, and my hips still hurt. It's the muscles, but I don't know what's causing it. It makes it hard to sleep at night. I wish it would stop already.

Today I want to go buy some styling mousse, and then play with my new blow dryer to try to get my hair looking nice. I don't know if I remember how to do it now; it's been a long time. Then I think I'll go get sushi, because I filled my "frequent diner" card and I have $15 worth of free sushi to look forward to. Yay!

I know it's terrible--I know it is, you don't have to tell me--but I can't bring myself to buckle down until after New Year's. But then, I am seriously going to have to buckle down and smarten up. No excuses. Luckily my mood seems to be getting a bit better lately, and I want to leave the house more, so that can't hurt. I also have plenty of time to work on my course AND that "feeling good" workbook that my psychiatrist recommended now that I have until the end of May to finish the course. That can't hurt, either. It's easier to plan for and accomplish things when your sense of motivation isn't in the toilet.

What Am I Doing Up?

It's only 6 a.m. I've been up for awhile now. I'm just not the slightest bit tired. In fact, I want to empty the dishwasher and do the other dishes, but I don't want to wake up my husband. So here I am on the interwebz.

So I'm thinking I need to get myself back on track these days. I've let it get way out of hand. Apparently my "Sweatin' to the Oldies 5" has shipped, so that's good. Also, I played boxing on the Wii last night (I won!), and it was very tiring, so it must burn a fair bit of calories, I'd think. Especially because I get so competitive. Although if I were my husband, I don't think I'd play with me anymore. I did a slow-mo victory lap around the living room when I won. Obnoxious or what? I won at tennis, too.  :p

So back to the getting on track thing. I'm torn. On one hand, I really need to, and that would be the sensible thing to do. On the other hand, I have cookies. Date cookies. From Grandma. I love Grandma's date cookies. I have lots of chocolate and stuff, too. And I still have leftovers. Writing about this is making me hungry. No, no, I really need to get back on track. Cookies or no cookies.

Speaking of Grandma-related things, everyone was on fairly good behaviour while we were in the Pass, so that was nice. Grandma was a bit cranky, but she's having issues--medical issues--and if I were having those sorts of issues, I'd be cranky, too. We didn't know what to get her for Christmas at first, but then we went to the Walmart in Pincher Creek to check out the Boxing Week specials (which sucked), and got her a heating pad. It was my husband's idea because she was complaining about having to get up to refill her hot water bottle a few times a night. The heating pad was a big hit, although she still insists on having a hot water bottle, too. But she doesn't have to refill it as often this way. She's afraid of leaving the heating pad plugged in, even though it has an auto shutoff. But she won't even leave her microwave plugged in, so...that's to be expected, I guess.

My mom got me a blow dryer with a diffuser, which I asked for (no more limp hair! Yay!), and a box with a bunch of Nivea goodies in it. My brother got me a thing that's like a cross between binoculars and a telescope. I don't know what it's called. Looks neat, though. I'm excited about all of it. :o)

I need fun Wii game recommendations. I think I want a Wii Fit, but I don't think we can afford it right now. What's cool and unusual in the world of Wii these days?

Okay, I'm cold, so I'm going back to bed now.

Christmas 2010

Our tree:

Me, wearing one of my new tops, which I love:

My husband playing with the PS3 I got him (and kitty checking out what’s going on in front of the TV):

Christmas cats:

Now I think we’ll be going to the Pass today, although I really don’t want to all that much. *sigh* Oh well. I want to stay in a hotel, but G’s feeling cheap about things. And so am I, although I’m a little more invested in my own mental health, I guess.

Yesterday I bought myself Sweatin’ to the Oldies 5 on Amazon. Merry Christmas to meeeeeeeeee!!! Haha! The basement appears to be shaping up a bit, so maybe I’ll actually be able to get reacquainted with Richard soon!

Merry Christmas, Everybody!

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday!

I got a Wii (YAY!!!), some clothes, a new digital camera (which is good because the one I had was awful), some socks, some chocolates...and I don't even know what my mom and brother got me yet. :D

Merry Christmas Eve!

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas! :o)

My plans for today are to go to the library, wrap presents, and make meatloaf muffins, in exactly that order. So away I go!

Takin' It Easy

I finished my Christmas shopping last night, pretty much. I still have to get something for my grandma, but since I won't see her until after Christmas, I'm not too worried about it yet. I do feel a bit guilty about what I got my mom. I just got her a bath gift set for about $10. She wanted a bath gift set, but I spent much more than that on everybody else. On the other hand, nobody else used to scream at me until I threw up, leading to stress-related problems that haunt me to this day. Then I feel guilty because I am, clearly, still bitter about it all. *sigh*

*ahem* Anyway, my point was that I think I'll take it easy today. I have presents to wrap, but I'm going to take that easy, too. I'll do my husband's stocking stuffers (I wrapped his main gift last night), and then if I don't feel like doing the rest, I'll get him to help me with everyone else's. One way or another, we'll get 'er done. I also have big plans to read my book. Maybe I can finish it today (and start on another! Yay!).

I need to go for my second weekly walk today at some point. I'm not looking forward to it, only because last time, it irritated my lungs and I needed my inhaler when I got back. My inhaler is still making my heart beat too fast since the Celexa debacle, but it was that or not be able to breathe, so, you know. Hopefully it doesn't happen today. Everything is irritating my lungs lately. I seem to have all the symptoms of a sinus infection--the "swimmy" head feeling, the cough, the general feeling of malaise, the gag reflex (when I have a sinus infection, everything makes me gag), the tiredness--except for the plugged sinuses. I don't know what's wrong with me. I wish it would go away, though.

I'm going to go track my food now. I didn't do it yesterday. :o\

Why Does the Day Go By So Fast!?

Somehow I didn't have time to blog before I went to the chiropractor. Therefore, late again!

I did a bit more Christmas shopping after the chiropractor. I got my dad a book and a gift set of that "Cool Water" aftershave and cologne and such. Personally, I am very picky about perfume and don't like getting gifts like that, but he's given them to me, so it occurred to me that maybe that's the sort of thing he likes. I have to do one more thing--check out something my husband saw at Zellers that he thought might be a good gift for my brother. I might do that tonight. And then I have to wrap everything! I haven't wrapped one single thing yet. Ugh! Too much!

I was thinking again that I miss New Orleans. I miss that whole area between New Orleans and Mobile, actually. I liked it there! I like the South...   And you know what else? I'm reading Richard Simmons's autobiography now, and now I know where he lived in the French Quarter (926 St. Louis Street, in case anyone is crazy like me and wants to know these sorts of things)! It's not so far from the hotel we stayed in. I spent some time down there trying to figure it out, but never did. Now I come back and find out no problem. I have to go back. And he mentions The Court of Two Sisters (it's a restaurant) in his book, and I was like, "OHMYGODIWASTHERE!!!" Heh.

I wish there was a way you could use MyFitnessPal to manually enter your food if you want. If there is a way, I don't know it. All I can figure out is to add your food to their database. And you can't edit your meals, either. For example, I used to use parmesan cheese on my spaghetti, but I switched to romano. But I can't edit my meals to reflect that. I mean the regular meals you can set up if you eat them a lot.

I'm just babbling, really. I got nothin'. I am barely hangin' on food-wise, but I think I will do better after Christmas is over. I don't think I'm doing too badly for all the treats that are everywhere these days.

Week Two of Schedule: Not Going So Well

Last week, it was great. I felt more productive. This week, I can't seem to get my light out by 11:00 p.m., not when there are books to be read. And I can't seem to get up by 8:30. I blame Spices for that, though. Every morning between 3 and 5, he's taken to coming to tell me either that he loves me desperately and can't wait even one more minute to tell me so, or that he's very hard done by and nobody knows the troubles he's seen. This morning it was the latter. I'm so tired! I usually boot him out of the room after a few snuggles (once he starts trying to knock stuff off my nightstand), but my bedroom door doesn't shut properly, and he'll body slam it until it opens again. I need uninterrupted sleeeeeeeeeeeeep! :o(

I had a movie night yesterday, and I was so relaxed, I almost fell asleep. I wonder if that means the "antianxiety" part of my Zoloft is kicking in. I don't feel relaxed right now. Right now, I have a headache. From lack of sleep, is my guess. Harumph.

I put a link to MyFitnessPal on my sidebar, so hopefully that will help me remember to use it. Anybody want to join me over there?

I need to go shopping today, but I don't want to. But I have to. I need groceries, and I need Christmas presents.

What to Write?

Hmmm...what did I do this weekend? I have such a bad memory, I can't really remember. Isn't that sad? Not much, I guess. It's crazy out there. Oh, wait--I did lose my bank card. Yeah. Although that might have been on Thursday or Friday. Oops.

I only did one of my walks last week, not two. I need to make sure I do at least two this week. It would be easier if it wasn't so cold! But I shall persevere.

I still have Christmas shopping to do, but I don't want to go out. I want to be prepared next year, dangit! I say that every year, and I never, ever do it. Part of it is that it feels like tempting fate. But I plan to try it next year anyway. For reals this time.

I'm thinking about trying out MyFitnessPal (again) for tracking my food. I hate tracking, honestly. Hate. It. But I know it's been proven to help. Maybe that will make it easier.

Difficulty...

I'm having a rough time right now with this whole weight loss/healthy lifestyle thing. I think that much is obvious. I don't know what to do about it. I'm not in a place yet where I can focus on doing what I need to do. The most I can do, right now, I think, is to try to make sure it doesn't get any worse. Then, when I'm able, maybe I can start back with the baby steps on my way to my goal.

My friend Shyla wants me to join Weight Watchers with her when I "get [my] poop in a group," is how she put it. I guess that's her way of saying, "when I get my shit together." Her way of putting it made me laugh. :p  I think I'm too cheap to join WW, though. Maybe I could do the online one. I think that's a bit cheaper. The new points system actually sounds pretty good. I like that you don't have to count fruit with it (you do still have to count bananas, though, right? I've been wondering about that). She was all mad at first about the change, but she emailed me a day or two ago to tell me that now she thinks it will actually be really good.

I noticed something last night. I felt really, really hungry, and I tried to fill the feeling with peanut butter (and, um, Nutella, which is actually really oily and gross if one stops nomming it long enough to think about it). Anyway, it didn't work. Obviously, I wasn't hungry. I think I sometimes mistake indigestion for hunger. That's what I think happened last night. Next time I feel hungry when I shouldn't be, maybe I'll try a Rolaids instead. Less calories, that's for sure.

Today I have to do my second weekly walk (I did the first one on Tuesday), because I didn't do it yesterday. I also have to go buy cat food and pizza ingredients for dinner tonight. I also finished my Chapter 9 notes last night, but I think they're too long. I want to try to cut them down some more. I also hope to finish my Chapter 10 notes today. Cleaning the kitchen up a bit is also on the agenda.

M'Up! *Zonk*

No, seriously, I'm up and showered and everything. I intend to go Christmas shopping pretty quick here. It's 9:07, and I hope to be at the store by 10:00, but we'll see how it goes. I just ate, so I have to wait and see if my tummy's gonna be okay.

I'm kind of upset about the heart thing. I know I said it doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but I wish he could have told me that everything was totally fine, and nothing to worry about instead, you know? Now it's just one more thing I have to deal with. *sigh* Hopefully the specialist will find that it's nothing to worry about. I hope. He's the guy who told me to lose as much weight as possible. He said you can't be too skinny. I gained weight since I saw him last, though. :o(

Yesterday I did okay with the food, until evening. See, I decided it would be nice to have wings from M&M Meat Shops (they are decent for calories) for dinner, along with carrot and celery sticks. And I was right; it was nice. However, I sent my husband to pick them up, and he also came back with a bunch of desserts that were "only $1.50 each!" One of them, sadly, was a chocolate chip lava cookie. I ate it. It was delicious. It was also 520 calories. I ate it anyway. I don't think I'll eat those anymore. It would have been just as good (and far less calories) to melt some chocolate and dip strawberries into it, honestly. But still, there's a chance that my calories weren't too bad anyway, because of my eating for the rest of the day. But as I was eating it, I kept thinking that if I do have coronary artery disease, something that rich probably wasn't doing my heart any favours. It probably wasn't anyway, even if I don't.

I finished Chapter 12 in my textbook yesterday, and now I'm on to the assignment. My plan of attack is to make notes for Chapters 9-12. This way, I'll have all the pertinent information condensed and at my fingertips. It may also be a way for me to procrastinate on my assignment, but I figure it doesn't matter too much because the notes will be useful for studying for the final exam, anyway. I made it about halfway through Chapter 9 for notes last night. I'm happy with them so far, so hopefully I can keep it up. Usually I'm terrible at note-taking.

I suppose I should go get ready to face the madding crowds now.

Ain't It Funny How Time Slips Away

Goodness, this is one of my later posts! I did stick to my schedule last night and today (so far), but I had to go to the doctor today, which took forever. I just came home, ate my sushi (mmmm!), and now I'm writing this, so it took me all morning pretty much. However, at least, since I got up early, I accomplished a few things already: scooped the litter boxes, read some of my textbook, and got the doctor visit over with (finally!).

So today I learned that there is something wrong with my heart. Apparently it skips a beat once in awhile. Sometimes I feel it, but I didn't really think it was a big deal. It kind of knocks the wind out of me, but it's over with in a few seconds. He said it could be caused by coronary artery disease, smoking, drugs, drinking too much pop (??? I think that's what he said, anyway), or stress. I don't smoke, do drugs, or drink much pop, so I guess that leaves me with coronary artery disease or stress. I hope it's just stress. He doesn't seem to be too concerned about it, but he's very thorough so he's sending me back to that specialist that he sent me to before (for my blood pressure, that time), to see if he thinks I need anymore tests or anything.

I think my meds kicked in yesterday. I can't say I feel particularly happy (I don't feel miserable, either, but I kind of did on Monday), but I am able to concentrate again. In fact, I read an entire chapter in my textbook yesterday! Maybe I won't need another extension after all. I'm also more than halfway through the next chapter. Then I have an assignment to do, another stupid essay, which I'm dreading. I hate essays, but I keep thinking of how wonderful it would be if I had that part over with by Christmas. Then it would just be a few more chapters to read, and my final exam to worry about.

I have the hiccups. :o(  I felt really, really sick yesterday, so I didn't eat too much, I don't think. I was so nauseous at one point in the afternoon that it woke me up from my nap. I even thought I might throw up, but I didn't. Today I missed breakfast because I didn't think it would take that long at the doctor's. I don't really feel sick right now, but I hope it doesn't come back, because I'm supposed to go swimming tonight. I'd hate to cancel again (although it wasn't me last week). I haven't been swimming in a very long time--something always goes awry, it seems.

Today's plan is to finish Chapter 12 in my textbook, and I am considering going shopping, but maybe I'll get up early and do that tomorrow. I'd really like to get closer to being done my Christmas shopping.

A Schedule...

I decided, last night, to try putting myself on a schedule. My idea was to wake up at 8, and go to bed at 11. Every day. So I tried to put that into practice today, although I decided to try to start out easy and set my alarm for 8:30 today, instead. Unfortunately, I didn't count on waking up at 5:30 this morning. I was having a weird dream. It wasn't bad, exactly, but it had bad associations.

I have mentioned before on my blog that I've been following the Victoria Stafford case. She was a little girl (8 years old) who disappeared in Ontario a couple of years ago, and her remains were found a few months later. Well, there was a publication ban in place, so there hasn't been any news on the case for over a year, and I haven't thought much about it. But recently, the publication ban was lifted, and some details came out. They are awful. I am usually pretty thick-skinned about the things I read, and I think that, were I in a less depressed/anxious state, I could handle it, but as it is...I can't read anymore. Part of me wishes I hadn't read what I did. Not now, anyway. The dream that woke me up was that we were selling a horse to the mother of the woman who pleaded guilty. It reminded me of what I'd read, and I woke up feeling very upset. So I'm taking that as a sign to lay off on reading about it.

Back to the schedule. Waking up early screwed me up. I did go to bed an hour later than I'd planned to last night, because I was reading my textbook, and then I still wanted to read a bit of my library book. So when 8:30 rolled around, I was too tired to get up. I'm pretty sure I was up by 9:00, though. But I'm still tired. Anyway, my psychiatrist had started to suggest a schedule, but then the conversation went in another direction and it sounded like she said something contradictory to that later (but I forget what it was that I thought contradicted it). But I figure it will probably help me. I know I need a more predictable bedtime, and a more predictable wake-time wouldn't hurt, either. I think I might accomplish more with it, or at least feel like I'm accomplishing more. ;o)  Plus, there's always that benefit about how getting a proper night's sleep can help with the weight-loss efforts. That would be a nice bonus.

Today I plan to work on my course a lot. I should go to the doctor, but I'm thinking maybe I'll go tomorrow. As for my course, I asked for an extra extension because of the problems I was/am having concentrating on my textbook, but yesterday they sent me an email saying I can appeal for one, but there's no guarantee that it will be approved. Way to freak out a person with an anxiety disorder (yes, they know about it--I had to have the psychiatrist fill out their forms). *ahem* Plus, I read the appeals form, and it sounds like it goes in circles back to the department who sent me the email, so that seems a bit ridiculous. I'd really like to be finished as soon as possible anyway, so maybe I'll just try to throw myself into it. I didn't do too badly with the concentration last night, at least.

Buried in Boxes

Halp...my living room is a disaster area. It's full of boxes of Christmas decorations. I hurt my back again a little yesterday, so I'm afraid to make it worse. It's not bad now at all, really, but I just don't want to set it off. Anyway, I hurt it decorating the tree (Christmas is dangerous for my back!), so lifting boxes is probably out of the question. *sigh*  I would feel better if I wasn't tripping over boxes, though.

I'm not really sure how I did yesterday for food. I only had a very late breakfast and then dinner, but I was so hungry by dinnertime that I ate four slices of pizza. And this was Pizza Hut stuffed crust pizza (is it just me, or did this used to be a lot better/more cheesy a few years ago?), not my homemade (lower-calorie) pizza. Oops. So that was quite a bit, but overall, for the day, I think it probably evened out. I hope, anyway.

I am trying to motivate myself to go out Christmas shopping, but it's not working. I'll also have to go to the doctor sometime this week (they called me again and asked me to come in), but I'm not looking forward to that, either. I probably should have done that today and got it over with.

One thing--we did get my stepson and his girlfriend a Christmas present on the weekend, so that's one down (they're getting a "couple" gift). Now I have my husband, my dad, my mom, my brother, and my grandma. My mom's easy, but the rest--no idea. I was thinking of getting my dad one of those coin sets from the post office. Utterly useless, really, but I think he might like something like that. I dunno. I have to get my husband stocking stuffers, too. We do stockings for each other, which I like, because the stocking is my favourite part! But I don't know what to put in his.

Ugh...must. do. something...

Well, That's All Right

I got brave and weighed myself last night. I thought that I had gained anywhere from 6-10 lbs, because I've just been feeling sort of puffy, but as it turns out, I've lost about 2 lbs. I still weigh too much, though--it's a scary weight that I never wanted to see again. But at least it's not as bad as I thought (and still nowhere near my highest, although it's a lot closer than I'd like to be). I haven't been drinking enough water at all, so maybe that's where that puffy feeling is coming from.

Our new tree opened up last night, and it's beautiful! I love it! :o)  It was the first one we saw, too. We went and looked at the others, but when we were almost done I went and got it and brought it over to compare with the other trees we were looking at, and it was just clearly superior. We have it up and with lights on it, but that's it so far. No decorations yet. There was something wrong with a lot of our lights, and it took G a few hours to fix it. I only like incandescent lights. I hate LEDs because they make my eyes unhappy and they don't look anywhere near as nice, so I want to preserve the incandescent lights that I already have for as long as possible, since you can't buy them in the stores anymore. At least, I can't find them.

Mischief likes the tree so much that he was sitting under it last night, completely ignoring the needles that were falling on him. He was covered in them! LOL! We tried to take a picture, but he moved when we brought out the camera and shook himself off. That's the trouble with trying to take their picture--we bring out the camera, and they like to come and see what we're doing and what that shiny device in our hands is all about.

I have to go find sustenance now.

Christmas Trees!

I put ours up last night!

And then I took it down.

Because we went to Ikea today and bought a real one! Yay! I haven't had a real one in years! I seriously don't even remember the last time I had a real tree. Luckily, I had only put the artificial one up. I hadn't decorated it or even spread out the branches. Now I'm only worried that Spices will decide he owns it. He likes to spray things outside. Hopefully he doesn't bring that penchant inside. So now we're in the process of putting the real one up. Well, G is. Heh.

Spices was yelling at me as I was taking the artificial one down. They like to sit under it and pretend they're Christmas presents. He was most upset that it had only been up overnight. But I think I've been forgiven now. ;o)  I hope it's a nice tree. It was all bundled up, but it looked pretty full. But now I see there's a narrow part just above the fat part. Hmmm...  Oh well. It smells nice. And now my hands smell like it, too.  :o) I just wish I could get the sap off of them! Kittehs are fascinated by this wunnerful and exciting new development.

Oops, the excitement wore off. Now Mischief is eating the dead parts of my basil plant. Weirdo. Whoever heard of that!? I swear I'm taking them both to the shrink with me one of these days. They're both somewhat demented. Little mental patients in fur coats, I like to say. That's how I describe all cats, btw, not just mine. Or furry little live-in comedians. :o)

I did okay with the food yesterday until evening, when I decided I wanted a snack, and I bought a bag of chips. And a small package of Bits & Bites. And maybe some chocolate. Oops. I shouldn't do that. (I only had a few squares of the chocolate!). I was so mad at myself afterwards! I didn't even really need a snack. But so far today, so good, as I'm not that hungry. We went to Denny's and I had a half order of eggs Benedict. I usually get a full one. At first, when I was done, I thought I was still hungry, but by the time we were at the register to pay, I wasn't hungry anymore. And I'm still not, so that's good.

S-s-so Cold...

I'm freezing, and kitteh has stolen my blanket. Halp...

It snowed last night (♪♫"it snowed last night; the sky bears had a pillow fight..."♪♫). It looks lovely; however, I could do without it. Especially since I forgot to go for my walk yesterday. So I'll have to go today, in the snow. Good thing it's short. *sigh* Note to self: Wear warm things.

I think I did okay for eating yesterday. I didn't count, but I wasn't too interested in food beyond my three main meals and one piece of fudge in the evening. And I had the last little bit of juice straight from the bottle, which I think was less than half a cup. Also, I didn't eat all of my dinner because my tummy got upset while I was eating. So I gave it to G to finish.

I'm hoping to put up our Christmas tree today. I feel like we're very far behind. I don't feel as into Christmas as I normally do, for some reason. I suppose it wouldn't be too hard to hazard a guess as to the reason. I also think I'm frustrated because I have no idea what to get anybody. Well, most people. My mom's pretty easy--she always asks for bubble bath, so I'll probably get her one of those bath gift baskets. But G? No idea, especially for stocking stuffers.  

What are good stocking stuffer ideas for men? Anyone?

And my dad--no idea. My brother--no idea. My grandma--no idea. My stepson and his girlfriend--I have an idea, but I'm not sure exactly where to get it. I would leave that one up to G if possible, but then I suspect he'd just get overwhelmed and not bother. He's always the one frantically shopping on Christmas Eve. And that's just for me.

I must go and eat breakfast now.

Would Anyone Like a Cat?

Because mine won't shut up. >:o(  Big sucky. He's mad that I'm typing instead of petting His Royal Majesty.

I'm tired today. I woke up at 5:30 for some reason, and then at 6:30 someone knocked on our door. I had earplugs in, so I heard a noise, but assumed it was just the cats destroying the house, which is commonplace and hardly worth getting out of bed for. :p  But my husband got up, so I asked him what he heard. He said someone knocked, and it sounded like they tried to put their key in our lock, but nobody was there when he opened the door. Weird, weird. Maybe somebody was drunk and thought this was their house.

My goat milk fudge came in yesterday. It's lovely; very smooth-tasting. They also sent a little rose-shaped goat milk soap, which was a nice touch. The pumpkin spice one tastes like sugar cookie dough, and the chocolate tastes like, well, chocolate, but it's really good, too. I like it better because it's not quite as sweet. Lucky for me, I'm not too interested in sweets at the moment, but I did have to have a taste. Normally I would have a glass of milk with it, but drinking cow's milk while eating goat milk fudge seems like all kinds of wrong. So I had juice instead. I almost never drink juice. Usually my husband drinks it all before I can, lol. Even if I ask him not to...*ahem*.

It's a good thing right now that I don't feel all that interested in food, but I need it to last. I believe I'm getting a bit...um, let's go with "fluffy," again. I don't want to weigh myself. I was already doing pretty badly, and now my clothes are tight. Not good. I spent the last few weeks (months? the past year?) not really caring all that much, but now I am starting to care again, and I'll have to re-lose a fair bit, I think. *sigh* :o(  And during the most difficult month, too. Oh, well. Part of my journey, I suppose. I miss Richard. I need to clean the basement so I have a place to do his DVDs.

Maybe my shiny new book will help me lose weight. I did make it to Chapters to buy my Feeling Good Handbook yesterday. It cost $10 more than my shrink said it would. Hmph. Anyway, it says that it's helped with eating disorders, too (I think bingeing is an eating disorder). Can't hurt. The book, to me, looks like a huge tome whose main message is, "Snap out of it!" but I'm trying to keep an open mind.

I am going to go and have a healthy breakfast of oatmeal now.

The Gremlins Stole My Tinfoil Hat

Hee! How could I not make that my title today? I had to. I had to do it. :D  (It's from a sentence in yesterday's post).

I had to get up and get dressed today (well...almost dressed...pants are totally overrated, in my opinion), to go to the chiropractor. Yes, I will put the overrated item of clothing on before I leave, haha. I kind of have a feeling that maybe I was supposed to go to the chiropractor last week, and got mixed up. It feels like it's been longer than two weeks. But I think they would have called me if I'd done that.

Then maybe I'll go to Chapters, because my psychiatrist keeps pestering me to at least go and look at some book called The Feeling Good Handbook (hey, we have an underline button now! Oh happy day!). She says they use it's concepts in their therapy, and I can get a head start if I go buy it. I wonder if that will fit into her other suggestion that I look for ways to go outside of my comfort zone? She thinks I'm getting a little too comfortable with my routine (mostly staying home, unless I know exactly where I'm going and how to get there. But even then, I'd rather stay home). Apparently that is a mild form of agoraphobia. I suspected that, actually. I joked about it sometimes before. It sounds easy enough to overcome--you just force yourself to go out a little bit to places you would normally avoid, and then a little bit more, etc. See, I don't want to go to Chapters, which probably means that I should make myself go there anyway.

I'm also supposed to go for a short walk twice a week. That's because it's something I used to do, and I pretty much stopped. So it's basically to get me out of the house for a few extra minutes. I did my first weekly one yesterday. It's short--just around the main block (not the one where it's a cul-de-sac except for the footpath that goes through), so the hardest part was making myself do it in the first place. It would be easier if it wasn't icy, but it was okay. Most of the sidewalks were shoveled. So with this, I'll be getting a little bit of exercise at the same time, which is always good.

I have to go now or I'm going to be late.

It's Official

My psychiatrist said that it sounds like my mom (and brother) are crazy. "I mean actually, mentally crazy," she said. I tried to defend my brother, saying that I felt like he was made that way by my mother, but she shook her head and said something about how they seem to be living in an illusion that they've created for themselves. What could I say to that? They are living in their own little world. She also said that it sounds like it's really scarred me.

This was after I told her how they used to watch my house, and how it made me feel terrorized. At first, I was afraid to tell her about that, thinking I sounded pretty paranoid and delusional myself ("They were watching me," sounds like the next sentence might be, "And then the gremlins stole my tinfoil hat..."). And also at first, she was looking at me like she was considering that as a possibility. But when I explained how my brother used to call me and ask me who was here when he saw an unfamiliar vehicle outside of my house, I guess she realized I'm not the crazy one. Just being driven so by those two. She said they were basically stalking me when they were doing that.

She also referred to my mother as "a very disturbed lady" (ya think?). I told her what happened the last time I talked to my mother, and that it scared me. I mean the way that my anxiety rose to a level where I felt like I couldn't handle it, and I felt like I would break. She asked me what I thought that meant, so I said, "That my mother does bad things to me?" and she said that yes, that's my body's way of telling me that the relationship isn't healthy, and that I should listen to my body. She strongly suggested limiting contact with my mom until I'm stronger. So I'm supposed to try to surround myself with more positive things for the next little while. Like what, I don't know. But apparently, avoidance is good for me right now, for negative things/people.

She doubled my dose of Zoloft, too. I'm a little nervous about this, because it did have some side effects for the first few days (and my stomach's been a little more unsettled ever since), but she said she had me on the lowest dose before just to get my body used to it, and that it had no therapeutic benefit at that dose. I didn't know that until yesterday. So it made sense that it didn't seem to be doing anything beneficial (because it wasn't), but at my new dose, it might make a difference, or it might not. I might have to go up again. I see her again in a month. She also wants me to do group therapy (and possibly some individual), for self-esteem issues and because she wants me to be around normal people. This made my husband laugh because they'll be people in the same boat I'm in, but I guess they're still more normal than my family of origin. And as my dad pointed out (which was beyond enlightened for him), "at least they're trying to get help."

This all feels like a lot of work. Just getting dressed in the morning feels like a lot of work. Needless to say, everything else--my course, my exercise, my food intake--is taking a backseat to this at the moment. It has to. But it sucks. But I'm working on it so that hopefully it doesn't suck anymore in a little while, and I can start concentrating on that other stuff again.

Just Another Manic Monday

Okay, not really. ;o) But I do actually have a few things I have to do. I should go to the library, and this afternoon I have my second appointment with my psychiatrist. I hope it doesn't take two hours this time, but I don't think it will. And then I guess I'll have to go refill my prescription, since she gave me just enough to get through to my next appointment last time.

I don't think the Zoloft is doing anything other than making my tummy slightly upset (but that's getting better). But then, I think I was told that it can take 4-6 weeks to notice any difference. I can't remember. I'm able to focus for a short time on my textbook sometimes now, so maybe it is helping a bit already, but it's just subtle or something. Or maybe I'm just having a good week. I dunno. I want it to work.

I was talking to my husband about how this felt yesterday, and how strange it is to me. I've never had such a hard time focusing before in my life. But as I was telling him, I realized that what I feel is paralyzed, in a way. Not physically, obviously, or even emotionally, but...mentally, I guess. I feel like I can't do anything. When I try to force myself to do things, I feel exhausted and just want to go to sleep.

Then I realized that I felt like this when my mom and brother were watching my house two summers ago. Oh, wow, that sounds so paranoid, but they actually were. Now they're not even here, and they didn't really do it so much this summer (my brother was stationed to work in a different area of the city--and no, I had nothing to do with that, haha), but that's what the feeling is like, sort of. I mean, not the feeling terrorized (which I did!), but just feeling like I can't do anything. Except that before it was because I was afraid to run into my mother or that my brother would see Sarah at my house and start harassing her again, but now there doesn't seem to be an actual reason. I don't feel afraid (well, except when I start feeling anxious for no apparent reason), just...stuck. Completely stuck. And that's what I don't want to feel anymore.

Anyway, my point is that I wonder if that partly contributed to the depression. I know my back was a large part of it, for sure. That made me feel like I couldn't do anything, because if I moved the wrong way, I could put it out--AGAIN!--and moving the wrong way could be caused by absolutely anything. A sneeze, a cough, reaching for something, standing up the wrong way, sitting down the wrong way...anything. So I have to wonder, because the feeling is so similar, if the issue with my mom and brother contributed to it, too. I'd say probably. And then I think it was just a slow progression with little things piling onto it, until I was like, "Wait a minute...I don't think I'm supposed to feel like this."

I read back in my other blog a few months ago, too, and noticed a HUGE drop in my mood and my outlook in the past couple of years. It was noticeable enough to scare me and contribute to me going to the doctor. One of my friends commented that it seemed very sudden, but it wasn't. It was a long time coming. Hopefully it won't be as long to improve.

Eh...blah, blah, blah, hey? I told you I had no filter. In news more related to the actual point of this blog, I'm having a bit of a hard time with all the Christmas treats that are out now! I love fruitcake, and cookies, and eggnog, and nuts, and chocolates, and festive drinks made with grenadine syrup, and all of that not-so-healthy stuff. So. hard. to. resist! Luckily, I suppose, I also love pomegranates and clementines (shouldn't those be out by now? I still can't find them!). I have two pomegranates that I should bust open for their lovely little jewels. Nom. I want to put our tree up sometime this week, too. I still don't know what to buy anyone for presents. No idea.

ETA: I woke up this morning to find that my wisdom tooth doesn't really hurt too much today. The glands in my neck and some of my muscles (my legs and hips!) still hurt, but I don't feel sick today, either (I did yesterday a little bit). So I guess I'll just roll with it and hope it doesn't develop into anything.

I Need Pliers and Duct Tape

I seem to have sprouted a shiny new wisdom tooth...um, yesterday. Just like that. It frickin' hurts!!! The only other wisdom tooth I had bobbed up and down for years before it finally came in. Then I had it removed. With this one, only the tip is exposed, I think (it's hard to tell). I'd prefer it to come in more before I have it removed. I think it's easier that way. Last time I got sleep dentistry, and I don't remember much about it except that it was pretty easy. I kept asking the dentist if he was sure he got it all, because he was done so fast. He was a very nice dentist. I like that.

My husband's work Christmas party was tonight. It was kind of fun, except that we went shopping earlier and I started to feel crappy, like I was coming down with a cold or a flu. My arms and shoulders hurt, I couldn't breathe out of my nose, the glands in my neck hurt, and my stomach hurt. Yeah, that's on top of the tooth (actually I think my sinuses are making the tooth hurt more, or maybe it's the other way around). I was falling apart! So I took sinus pills, but I only had nighttime ones, so I was a little sleepy/spacey at the party. But I got to dance a bit, which was fun.

I found that with the meal, I went back for seconds (I was starving! It was like an hour later than it was supposed to be), and then I realized I couldn't eat most of my second plate. Oops. I'm having a more difficult time judging my appetite lately. Some days, I want to eat everything in sight, and other days, I can't eat too much. It's weird. And sometimes, like tonight, I think I want to eat more, and then when it's in front of me I realize I really don't.

I'm still sleepy, and I'm having the hardest time warming up, so I'm going to go and crawl into bed and turn on my heated blankie now. With any luck I'll wake up tomorrow and not feel yucky.

Christmas Time's a Comin'...

I still don't know what to get anybody for Christmas. Help! Can anybody name some good gift websites? Is it too late to order from a website now? I also don't know what to tell anybody when they ask me what I want. No idea. I want a Wii, but that's too expensive. Anything I want is too expensive, haha.

Yesterday my tummy got kind of upset again later in the day, so I wasn't too hungry again. My friend and I didn't end up watching the movie; we decided to maybe do it Sunday instead. G's work Christmas party is this Saturday. I have nothing to wear.

My mom and my grandma are fighting again, which is upsetting. Sometimes I think it would be best to just cut my family out of my life all together. Harsh, maybe, but I really can't deal with them. Just talking to them at this point makes me overly upset. Maybe I should have cut them out a long time ago. Too bad they live in the Pass. I still like the Pass. But when we've tried to sneak down there secretly, we've always been found out. It's not that big of a place, and my mom and brother constantly drive around, so it's impossible not to pass them on the highway at some point.

Today I feel kind of hungry at the moment, but after I take my medication I probably won't. That's what happened yesterday. It's like it makes me feel like I already ate too much or something, even if I actually haven't eaten anything for hours. Could be worse. ;o)

I'm still looking for funny book ideas, if anyone has any suggestions! I have a few ideas, but I need more.

Ahhhh...*relaxed sigh*

Due to a decision I came to and a short conversation I had with my husband this morning, I am feeling MUCH better about Christmas now. What a load off my mind! Now I can concentrate on the fun stuff like buying presents, decorating, and how I should answer the question, "What do you want for Christmas?". :o) Thanks for the good wishes. I think they helped a lot. :o)

I feel much better now than I did when I woke up this morning, that's for sure. I think that was a good thing, though--I think it made me really realize that I need to take care of myself. At first I thought that I felt sick because I ate badly yesterday, which was possibly part of it, but after I made my decision and had the above-mentioned short conversation, I felt instantly better. So I think the biggest part of it was anxiety.

I also realized even more how badly my family affects me. I talked to my mom last night, and I became so anxious and upset that I felt like I was going to lose it. It was pretty scary. She wasn't even being that bad; it's just like she feeds all my anxiety and encourages it until it's out of control or something. I didn't even make that connection until last night. I know for sure that I need to protect myself from them (mostly her and my grandma). My poor brother--he's never going to be able to overcome his own anxiety problems unless he gets away from my mom. But he's responsible for his own life; I can't do it for him. What was that about putting on your own oxygen mask first?

I think my "munchies" are starting to pass. I'm still a little more hungry than I have been (before TOM started), but not as bad as yesterday. I didn't make it swimming last night, unfortunately.

This afternoon I think my friend and I are watching a Harry Potter movie. I think. We're having a little trouble hammering out the details. But that should be fun, anyway. I've also started reading Chapter 10 of my textbook. Yay me!

Title

By some miracle, I did manage to finish Chapter 9 yesterday. So this means movie night is on. I should start on Chapter 10 today. We were going to have a movie night tonight, but I forgot that I'm supposed to go swimming. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to go or not, but it seems like I will. So movie "night" might be tomorrow afternoon, instead. Here's hoping I can work the Blu-Ray without assistance, lol.

So, who's ready for Christmas? Not me, that's for sure. Every year, I say I want to be ready (have gifts all bought) by December 1st, and every year I fail to do so. *sigh* I have a couple of ideas for my husband. One is something I thought of just after Christmas last year, but it's something that I'd have to have, too, if we were to do this thing together. And I don't have it. Another thing is something I know he wants, but it's WAY more expensive than I thought it would be. I have been saving my PC Points to buy a Wii, which I really, really want, and which I probably have enough for now. But I think my husband wants a different gaming system, and I could put my PC Points towards that, instead. But then they will only pay for about half.

I have no idea what to get my dad. Shopping for him annoys me quite a bit because he pouts if he doesn't feel that enough thought has gone into his gift, and also if it's too "cheap." I prefer to shop for my brother, who usually gets excited about anything anyone gives him. But I don't know what to get him, either. I also have no idea what to get for my mom. Or my grandma. And neither of us have any idea what to get for my stepson and his girlfriend. They did just come and take my husband's computer back (my stepson had given it to him before, but now his girlfriend needs it), so I'm not sure that G's feeling especially generous. He misses his computer, poor guy. Anytime we ask my stepson what he wants, he always says it doesn't matter, anyway. I don't think he cares about gifts too much. That's all we have to buy for; the rest of G's family quit exchanging gifts a few years ago.

I've had the munchies for the last couple of days. I think it's TOM-related, but I'm not sure. My stomach is still occasionally getting upset, most likely due to the medication, but it doesn't last. And I don't feel sick. So it's a little too easy to eat. And to drink eggnog, which G brought home the other day. Mmmm, eggnog. I need to remember what the psychiatrist pointed out when I was worried that the Zoloft would make me want to eat everything in sight--she said, "Just remember that you'll still only gain what you put in your mouth." In other words, even if I have cravings, I don't have to eat. It's hard, though. Everything's nummy.  :o\

Well, at least I plan to go swimming tonight, so that can't hurt.