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I'm Moving!

2011-05-13T15:43:00.007-06:00

I'm moving to a private blog. But because I still hope people will read (and comment! I live for comments, people!), I'm leaving this one up with directions to be invited to the new one. I will continue to check it. I hope that if you have my blog on your sidebar, you will leave this link up, so that any new people who happen by can get an invite to my new blog if they want one.

Why private if I still want people to read? I'll explain on the new blog. :D

So, if you would like an invite, please either leave me a comment with your email address, or email me at the email address in the "Contact Me" link. You can find the "Contact Me" link just under the title of this blog. It's in between the blog header (title) and my weight loss ticker/followers sections. See it? If you can't find it, feel free to leave a comment! Thank you! I hope to see you over there!

PS--If you gave me your email address before when I went private for a short time (this time is different), I think I lost it in the great Canada.com debacle of 2010. So please don't assume I still have it!

Update: Never mind. S'cool.

Happy Mother's Day My Ass

2011-05-07T16:00:00.001-06:00

Bitter? Cynical? Me? Noooo...

So anyway, a few days ago my mom put my grandma in the hospital. Happy Mother's Day indeed. My mom says it was an accident, but my grandma says it was most assuredly not. My grandma is still in there although she says nothing's broken. But if nothing's broken, I don't understand why she's still in there. And because she could probably get away with murder, my mother's not getting charged. I don't know how she does it.

How am I supposed to be normal when I come from teh crayzee? I want to go to bed and stay there forever.

To all you nice, non-crazy mothers out there, who wouldn't think of doing such a thing, I hope you really do have a good day tomorrow (it's tomorrow, right?).

I'b Still Here

2011-04-27T14:28:00.001-06:00

Still doing rather crappily in the eating department, sadly. Also dying of allergies. *sniffle* I took a 24-hour generic Claritin two days ago, and it's lasted me until now. It made me so thirsty that my dad was worried I had diabetes, though. So I'm not sure I want to take another one just yet.

In other news, the last big thing I had to do before my final for the course I'm taking was write an essay, which I did, and I got 93%. Yay me! Based on that and my good deed with the dogs, I decided I deserved an iPad. :p So I got one (I lucked out--Future Shop had a return in the back with everything I wanted). I ♥ it. I find myself addicted to Tiny Zoo. So fun! :o)

I was wondering if anyone had any app suggestions for calorie trackers? Free would be right up my alley, but I'd consider paying for one if it's not too expensive. I searched but there are quite a few, so I'm not sure which one to get.

You Will Not Believe What Just Happened to Me

2011-04-19T15:32:00.001-06:00

This has nothing to do with weight loss, but it does have to do with awesomeness! I am so amazed and happy right now!

Okay, so today was my group therapy this morning, and then I had an appointment to meet my new psychiatrist at 12:30. Well, he was over an hour late--I kid you not. I was pretty pissed and miserable, but I finally saw him. So then I'm on my way home, and I see these two dogs go running across the road a ways in front of me. At first I actually thought they might be rabbits, but I figured they were too big. So when I got closer, they were running along the side of the road (kind of--there's like a road beside the road I was on), so I took a closer look. I figured they looked like a black lab and a multicoloured American Staffordshire terrier.

See, I wouldn't have known what an American Staffordshire terrier looked like, except I googled it last night because one of my Facebook friends posted this on her wall:

ATTN: ANY FRIENDS LIVING IN OR AROUND THE TEMPLE AREA IN CALGARY THERE ARE TWO MISSING DOGS:ONE IS A 5 MONTH OLD BLACK LAB NAMED BELLA AND THE OTHER IS A MULTI COLORED BROWN AMERICAN STAFFY NAMED MOCHA...K****** AND I ARE MISSING OUR FAMILY MEMBER, WE LOST OUR DAD\GRANDPA LAST YEAR ON THIS VERY DAY, WE CAN'T LOSE OUR PUPPY ON THE SAME DAY CONTACT BJ 403-***-****

I reposted it because I know what it's like when pets escape. Turns out Bella is hers, and Mocha is her friend's (who was mad at BJ because they both escaped from her house).

So I was wondering what the heck I should do! At first I was going to go home and call BJ, but I decided I couldn't risk it, so I went to look for them. I had turned to go home, so I turned around and went back. I had to drive around a block to get to the road I saw them on. I found them trying to follow a woman into her yard, so I called at her, "Are those your dogs?" and I heard her call back "No," so I got them into my car and took them home. And then I called BJ. I was hoping, but I wasn't sure they were hers, but she came from work to get them. And they were! She was so excited!

The exceptionally weird part is that they went missing yesterday, which is the one-year anniversary of her dad's death. Her dad and my dad were best friends. She used to play with my brother when they were little. How weird is it that I would be the one to find her dogs?! And they were spotted in a COMPLETELY different area of the city this morning (I live in the SE, they were spotted in the NE). She said her daughter was mad at her grandpa (BJ's dad) because she thought he took Bella because he wanted her in Heaven, and that she cried all night last night. I'm so happy I picked them up! And that I managed to get them into my car! (It wasn't that hard). But how freakin' weird!

My poor car is full of muddy paw prints now, lol.

Oh, looky, I wrote about her dad last year.

Ow...

2011-04-12T15:08:00.001-06:00

I went swimming with Sarah yesterday, and ever since last night my arms have been KILLING me!!! I think it's from the swimming. How sad is that? You know you're out of shape when...

We only went for 45 minutes, too. Geez, I didn't think it had been THAT long since I went swimming.

Vindicated!

2011-04-09T21:05:00.001-06:00

So earlier today, I told G that I wanted to go look at seahorses this weekend (my friend told me of a pet store that sells them). And so he says to me, "We're not getting seahorses." And so I says to him, "Why not?" And so he says to me, "You can barely take care of the cats!" Cue WTF?! face (on me). I asked him what he was talking about, and he said that there was cat food all over the floor. Which there is.

So later today, he sees our little conehead trying to eat, and pushing the food out of the bowl with his cone. Ha! I've been picking it up every day for a week.

I feel vindicated...

Nooooo...............................................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-04-07T17:01:00.000-06:00

I hurt my back again. I just barely moved the wrong way. Now I'm mad at myself because I think that if I hadn't gained weight back, it wouldn't be this bad. It could be worse, but I feel like if I just barely move the wrong way again, it will be. :'o(

Make it stop...

Not Impressed

2011-04-05T20:55:00.001-06:00

And maybe just a little bit sleepy:

I couldn’t find a Comfy Cone in any of the stores I went to, so I bought him this purple one instead. It’s plastic, but at least it’s somewhat see-through and has padded edges. I think it’s probably more comfortable for him, if not ideal, and it’s certainly more comfortable for us, since we can’t hear him scraping the thing against the walls all night!

Yawn

2011-04-05T15:59:00.012-06:00

I was up at 4 this morning, cleaning up my little dumpling, who Warning: Yucky--highlight to read: threw up in his cone. And then didn't come to tell me about it until it was dry. Luckily, the cone was super-easy to clean. Him, not so much. :o\ Blech. So I'm quite tired today. I'm more tired than that, though. I'm exhausted! So is my husband. We both went to bed at around 9 last night. I'm not sure what that's about, but I know a lot of people are sick, so maybe it's our body's way of fighting stuff off. I dunno. Maybe it's the weather that keeps changing.

I don't remember whether I mentioned my group therapy here or not, but I'm halfway through the 12 sessions as of today. I think I'm getting something out of it. I'm not sure how, exactly, but I feel like there's something. It's amazing how many women there are with mother issues.

I'm still not doing well with the food or exercise. Maybe now that it's nicer, it will be easier to get out for walks. If only the weather would stay somewhat stable for awhile.

I Feel Better :o)

2011-04-04T09:04:00.000-06:00

Now if only I can get it to last...

Along with feeling better (by "better" I mean "not depressed" by the way), I feel like counting today. I can't say I'll stay within my calories, because I'm planning on peanut butter and honey toast for breakfast (don't judge me!), but I think I'm gonna count.

My poor kitty is CRANKY today! He hates his cone--hates it! Every once in awhile he comes up to me and tells me that he doesn't like me anymore. Then I scratch his neck and ears and all is forgiven. ;o) A few people recommended the Comfy Cone to me, so I'm going to go and look for it at the pet store. Perhaps that will please His Royal Majesty.

I'm back and forth about my hair. I'm convinced it looks more yellowy/goldy in real life than it does in the pics I posted. I think an ashy colour suits me better. It's a very pretty colour on its own, I just don't know if it suits me in particular. But then other times I think it looks great. I'm so confused. :o\ I think it looks like doll hair.

You Know What Would Be Good?

2011-04-03T14:35:00.001-06:00

Sleep. Sleep would be good. Five million $$$ to anyone who's willing to come and sit up with my cat to make sure he's safe and clean for the next few nights. Come on guys, I'm good for it...

Okay, maybe not. *sigh*

My husband rigged a tabletop across the top of the stairs to make it so he can't try to go down them, which means he's not longer confined to the spare bedroom. He likes that, but he's still most Not Impressed with his cone. He wants to lick his wound. :o\ Poor muffin.

He's also taken to trying to scoop his litter with his cone. ??? That's where making sure he's clean comes in, in case anyone was wondering.

Kitty Surgery :o( Update: :o)

2011-04-02T14:54:00.002-06:00

Spices is having surgery this afternoon. They don't really know what's wrong with him, but it looks like one of his anal glands ruptured (I noticed a red hole beside his bum this morning). So it might have been that all along, and nothing to do with his urinary tract. I'm a worried mommy. :o( Also because he's been licking it so much, there's a fair bit of skin in that area that's dead, which will have to be removed. My poor baby!

The vet said he had a block of time between 3:00 and 4:00 in which to do the surgery, and it's 2:53 now. I'm nervous. I hate having them put under anesthetic. Hopefully all will go well and I can pick him up at 5:00 as planned.

Send good thoughts this way, please...

ETA: The surgery went smoothly. The vet thinks it was an abscess caused by the other cat (Mischief) biting him in a fight. Not my good little boy! I can't believe that! He's usually the one who gets bullied by Spices! I guess enough was enough. :o/

Got Mah Hair Did

2011-04-01T16:12:00.003-06:00

And one particularly cute picture of one of my little pumpkins.

I went super-blonde. Next time I’m thinking I’ll get it even lighter. This is as light as she could get it today. The curls are temporary, but the color is not.

I don’t really know why my pics took on a blue tinge when I took them by the window:

So here’s one that’s not by the window:

The back:

The top:

This is what Spices does when I’m eating…”All your food are belong to me!”:

Spices is my currently sick (sort of) kitty. He is home and on three different kinds of drugs at the moment. I am still on pee watch, but he went right before I went to bed last night, so I had a glorious sleep! Much better than the night before. I wasn’t home all day (it took FOREVAH!!!) so I’ll have to watch tonight.

Because I'm Not Already Stressed Out Enough...

2011-03-30T07:14:00.000-06:00

I had to take my kitty (Spices) to the emergency vet last night. He's still there. I had noticed he was acting a bit odd, and his, um, "boy parts" seemed to be bothering him, but I saw him spray (outside, of course) so I didn't think he was blocked. But last night he seemed to be in pain, and he had been licking at said boy parts a lot.

So I found out that he has a UTI, and he may have been blocked, but passed the crystal before I took him in. I just can't understand it--Mischief has been blocked a few times, but Spices? Never! That I know of, anyway. But the vet said that he probably has been blocked in the past, if he was blocked now. I have never noticed any sign of it in him before. Last year I changed their food (on the advice of my regular vet) from pH control (for crystals) to mobility support (for arthritis). But this vet recommends I change it back.

So that was my night last night.

It's Like This For Me

2011-03-29T11:01:00.002-06:00

This depression is seriously kicking my ass. I'm in a position now where I can fight it (kind of), but it's definitely making it hard for me to focus on more than one thing at a time. My eating, and by extension my weight, has definitely suffered. I don't like it--I feel uncomfortable and heavy. It sucks. It must change.

I think I'll feel quite a bit better after two of my major stressors are done with: my course, which I HAVE to finish in order to regain some semblance of sanity, and my yearly torture session, which will be over with by this time tomorrow (TMI? Sorry). Of course, my brother (and by extension, most likely my mother) will be coming back to Calgary soon. If anyone remembers my posts from years past about these two, you'll know what major levels of stress they inspire in me. *sigh* We talked about boundaries in my group therapy today. Yay! Maybe I'll be able to withstand them better this year.

Speaking of therapy, I think I'm going to bring up my food issues when I see the next psychiatrist (next month). I've always been either too skinny or overweight/obese. I can't seem to find that happy medium and just be "normal." Maybe he can help me with said food issues somehow. Can't hurt, right?

So ends my checking in. I know blogging helps me; I just don't know what to write about lately, since the food and exercise thing is not going well.

PS--I lasted a week and a half on the gluten-free thing. Heh.

I Changed My Mind

2011-03-13T15:20:00.000-06:00

My stomach got super-upset the other day in spite of my no-gluten diet of late. Plus, I am still having tummy "issues." I don't think I'm gluten-intolerant. I don't know how to explain the corn spaghetti being easier on my stomach. Maybe it was a fluke.

Also, doing this gluten-free thing bites. I don't like it, I don't want to do it anymore, and I don't know what I was thinking. To anyone who HAS to do it because they really are allergic, I sympathize. It's hard.

I am feeling rather despondent these days, too, for no apparent reason. Although I suspect it may have something to do with my course, which I really need to finish so that it can stop weighing on my mind! But every time I pick up the book to make notes, I get overwhelmed and put it down again. I have yet to hear from my new shrink, although I was told their assistant called me a month ago (no, they didn't--I have voice mail and caller ID, and there was nothing). I guess I should call tomorrow. I think I can feel better than this.

On the up (?) side, I don't feel any real enjoyment of food at the moment. I still have been eating, though. So it's probably not doing me as much good as I'd hope.

Um, Hi.

2011-03-11T13:41:00.000-07:00

Avoidance? Who, me?

So...long time, huh? Almost a month. Oops. I think I needed a break. I think I should start blogging again, but I don't think it will be every day. We shall see.

My friend Sarah and I started our gluten-free diet. I started on March 8, and I think she started the next day. It is quite a bit harder than I thought in some ways. I thought I could eat what I normally do, but just change it so that I used stuff without gluten in it, but it doesn't really work that way. Some things you can't get without gluten, or at least I can't get them here (egg noodles, for example). So I'm having a bit of a crisis every night at dinner time. Yesterday we got gluten-free pizza from Coco Brooks. Tonight, I think we'll be having fish and baked potatoes.

I've already noticed a difference in that my stomach feels better. Not totally better, but it is noticeable. I also don't have that desperate craving for sugar and carbs that I normally have, although G thinks that's just the lull before the PMS storm. Maybe he's right; I don't know. I used corn spaghetti instead of regular spaghetti on Tuesday, and I was actually really surprised by the difference in the way I felt afterward. The corn spaghetti smells sweet while it's cooking, but it tastes just like regular (to me, anyway).

I've been snacking more on vegetables (mushroom slices, zucchini sticks, and baby carrots) lately, and I've been having a 3-egg scramble for breakfast with mushrooms, diced onions, a splash of milk, sometimes some Laughing Cow cheese if I think of it, and then after it's cooked I top it off with some salsa. It is SO delicious!!! And I guess 3 eggs is a lot, but seriously, it keeps me going all day. I don't need lunch. I also have a big bowl of fruit with it (strawberries, blueberries, pineapple, raspberries).

I can't say I'm doing well yet, though, but I think some of those things are heading me in the right direction. Mostly I can't say I'm doing well because I don't know what I'm doing with this gluten-free thing, and I haven't been exercising. And my mood's been a little up and down lately, which means feeling overwhelmed so I just want to go to sleep. But I'm working on all of it.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2011-02-14T20:01:00.001-07:00

I got fwowers. :o) They're too big of a bunch to fit in our vases, so we had to put them in a giant beer mug, lol.

I have been trying to eat fruit rather than chocolate or other sweets lately. It's made a bit easier because blueberries are on sale all over the place, for some reason. Nice ones, too. I need to cut back on sushi, though, for sure. :o( I started counting today, and I had sushi for lunch, and it put me pretty high up in calories even though it didn't seem like that much. Salmon sashimi is higher than I thought. Who knew? It seems strange, but I guess salmon has fat in it.

I say I "started" counting because I was pretty high up anyway, and then my husband brought home a turtle cheesecake along with the flowers (see? saboteur!), and it's Valentine's Day, so I thought I would celebrate with said cheesecake, and...well. I need to stop sucking.

I've been feeling slightly more motivated lately. Even to leave the house, I feel more motivated. And to work on my course, although I haven't been able to bring myself to do it yet. I still haven't heard from my new shrink or anyone in his office. I hope I'm not left adrift now that my former shrink has gone on mat leave. I guess I could call them if it looks like it's heading that way.

I bought some new jeans, yoga pants, and an exercise top at Costco on the weekend. I wore the jeans today, and they make me feel good. :o) I like that feeling. That helps me feel motivated, too. I'm working up to start doing Richard DVDs on my own again. This time I won't let myself get dependent on anyone doing them with me! I'm a little scared, though--I'm much more out of shape than I was last year, and I found them fairly difficult then. But I did it before, so I can do it again.

Over It

2011-02-11T11:54:00.000-07:00

I decided it's silly to be upset about someone saying something I don't think is true anyway, so I have deleted my former friend from Facebook (always appreciate alliteration!), and moved on. I feel much better now. :D And yay for meds, I think, because this is something that before, could have sent me into a tailspin about what a horrible person I must be, for someone to think that of me. But now it seems rather small and unimportant.

I'm very (!!!) hungry today, but I'm doing okay, because I just want my lunch. I'm holding out for it. 17 minutes to go...

I'm not sure what's for dinner tonight, but I guess I'll be making pizza. I need to go shopping for that, though. Or send my husband. That way I can't buy bad things. Although, that way I can't buy blueberries and raspberries, either. Hmmm. Yes, I could tell him to get them, but I like to choose them myself. In my ideal life, I would live somewhere where I had a ton of fruit trees and bushes on my property--blueberries (I have this, but it's too young to produce), raspberries (nowhere to put these yet, and the ones we got from my dad, died), apricots (won't grow here), pitaya (bumpy yellow dragon fruit--won't grow anywhere NEAR here! Which is sad, because it's the yummiest fruit in the world imo), peaches, nectarines, grapes, saskatoons, huckleberries, etc. Also, I would have a ton of lilac trees. I know they're not fruit, but I love them. :D

As it is, we have the young blueberry bush that doesn't produce, strawberries that keep getting eaten by what we suspect is our monstrous little squirrel, or maybe rabbits, and one lonely little lilac tree. Oh, I just remembered that we planted a tiny saskatoon bush last year! It's basically a stick right now. I hope it lives.

I'd also have a fig tree. I dreamed that I had a fig tree last night, and that it produced. We do have a fig tree indoors, but it doesn't ever get figs on it. I dreamed I had some other sort of tree, too, with fruit I liked, but I can't remember what it was. But I was in heaven, lol. How weird that I would dream about it.

Hurt. :o\

2011-02-10T17:44:00.001-07:00

I am an emotional eater, so it's a good thing I don't really have anything yummy/bad in the house right now.

I went swimming last night with two of my friends, and one of them told me something that bothered me. I don't blame her, because I wanted to know, but I do feel hurt.

One of the new friends I made last year, I'll call her "Lily," just suddenly stopped wanting to hang out with me, and I didn't know why. But last night, another friend who I'll call "Georgia" (who Lily also stopped hanging out with) told me that Lily had said that I was "too needy" and she felt like she couldn't leave, so that that was why she stopped coming to my house.

I admit I was so happy to have company that I was always really disappointed when it was time for them to leave, but I could tell Lily felt pressured, so I stopped saying anything about it. I actually said I wouldn't say anything about it anymore. She seemed to appreciate that, and I thought we were okay. But I think that's the last time she came over. So I stopped doing what bothered her, but it didn't make any difference. In fact, when I said I wouldn't pressure her, is when she stopped coming over altogether. ??? I don't get it.

The reason this came up is that Lily stopped hanging out with me and Georgia ever--she stopped coming swimming, she would make excuses for why she couldn't go to movies or for coffee, etc. Last year she was calling us her best friends (we hadn't known each other that long, so I found that weird--dare I say "needy?" LOL). We saw her a couple times in group situations over the past year--the 5K, her birthday--but nothing really more than that. Georgia removed her from her Facebook, and Lily got insulted about that. But what did she expect?

About the 5K, Lily got mad at me because one of the other girls and I went back into the building to get our free t-shirts, and when we came out, we found out that Lily and yet another girl in our group had gone back inside. It was a huge building, and it was packed. My husband wasn't feeling well and wanted to leave, and we had promised my friend (yet another member of our 5K group) who was with us a ride home, and she had to leave because she was going to a singing competition that night. Lily was mad that I didn't go back in and find them so that I could say goodbye. I didn't have time! She even wrote me a FB message about it, but I see that it's gone now, so she must have deleted it at some point. (I mention this because I found it weird and demanding at the time).

None of this makes all that much sense to me. I don't think I'm all that needy of a friend--I used to be, honestly, when I was younger, but now I just let friendships slip away if that's what the other person seems to want. Which I pretty much did with Lily, although before I found out about this "needy" thing I thought I'd give it one last shot, so I messaged her a few days ago and asked her if she might ever want to get together. She didn't answer, and now that I know about how needy I supposedly am, I wish I hadn't sent it!

Anyway, I kind of don't want her on my Facebook anymore, seeing as she's not actually my friend (or old classmate or old co-worker or online friend or relative) and all, but I don't want the drama that Georgia got when she removed her and another friend (who is now close friends with Lily). And did Georgia ever get drama! Hoo boy! Also, Lily is still a friend of a friend. So I don't know what to do.

And this is why I say, I'm not so good at that whole friend thing. I feel down about it all, which is really not something I need right now.

I've been doing okay for food today, although I haven't counted (but I have measured most things)--oatmeal for breakfast, scrambled eggs for lunch, a tiny bit of bread--that's it. I'm quite hungry. I believe dinner will be Mexican. We have one of those super coupons for it. Dessert will most likely be grapes. I desperately wanted sushi for lunch, but my husband refused to lift my sushi moratorium (bastard!), so I still have to wait for the weekend. *sigh* Why did I agree to this!?

sigh

2011-02-09T19:49:00.000-07:00

You know, this whole diet thing felt so easy to me for awhile. I was always afraid that the feeling of loss of control would come back, and it did. :o/ For quite a while now, obviously.

Any tips for getting back on track? I was at the specialist yesterday, and I almost felt that feeling again, of "I can do this," and I thought I'd go buy some fruits and vegetables afterward, which I did. Unfortunately, I went hungry, and I also bought two containers of ice cream (but I don't really like one of them, so it's pretty safe). Co-op Gold chocolate peanut butter ice cream, however, ought to be illegal, I swear. >:o(

I'm going swimming tonight, but I'm sure that won't make but the tiniest dent in all my overeating. Still it's something. I want to turn over a new leaf tomorrow. I did it before, so that should indicate that I can do it again, right?

As for the specialist, I'm happy to report that there's nothing wrong with my heart. The report that said there was, was wrong. So that's good, although the specialist seems a bit confused sometimes, so hopefully he knows what he's talking about. :p

I'm Either a Hypochondriac Or...

2011-02-07T13:58:00.001-07:00

...I have a bunch of food sensitivities. Maybe. What got me on this train of thought was a few things. One, I bought a one-liter carton of Lactaid and drank that last week, and had much fewer tummy troubles. However, I find Lactaid too sweet, so I don't like it that much. I could use the pills, I guess, but I have to take more than the recommended dosage for them to have any effect. Like if it says to take 2, I have to take 3 or 4. I tried that before. I love milk, but I have to admit that it often makes me feel completely awful.

The second thing was, my tics have been worse lately. I'm not sure why, but they were really bothering me. So I asked on a message board if anyone else had that problem, and one woman responded that she used to, until she went on a gluten-free diet. Now, I've had my suspicions that I might have a gluten intolerance for awhile. I've read that IBS is often misdiagnosed celiac disease. I've also read that the main sign of gluten intolerance is depression (oh hai!). I've even read that it can cause disordered eating (oh hai again!). And finally, when I went on the Atkins diet briefly about 6 years ago, my stomach felt completely fine. Except for when I ate too many sugar-free chocolates. Oops. But even that was different, somehow. It didn't last. But what I have NEVER heard before, is that it can cause tics. I need to find out more about that.

The third thing is insulin resistance. Three things--see why I'm afraid I'm just being a hypochondriac? But it would make sense. My dad's diabetic, which means that's where I'm headed unless I do something to prevent it. I have PCOS, which is associated with insulin resistance. And I have high blood pressure, which to my surprise is apparently a certain indicator of insulin resistance--in other words, if you have high blood pressure, then you ARE insulin resistant. From what I understand, insulin resistance can also cause insane sugar/carb cravings, because you keep trying to get the energy you can't get due to your insulin levels being out of whack.

Anyway, my friend Sarah and I have agreed to go on a gluten-free diet together, for a month, starting March 1st, to see if we feel any better afterward. And for me, it's to see if my tics go away. We're putting it off until then to give ourselves time to plan meals and learn more about it. The other things, I'm not going to worry about until I find out if gluten really is a problem for me. I'm nervous, though--I don't know if I can do it! I eat a LOT of things that have gluten.

I'm doing okay on my diet today out of sheer necessity--in exchange for going to get sushi for dinner last night, I agreed (to my husband) to give it up until next weekend. You know you have a problem when you start bargaining for your ~~crack~~ sushi. So I can't go and get sushi for lunch this week. And because the weather's crappy, I'm pretty much stuck at home, where I have such things as soup, crustinis, and eggs to make my lunch with.

I Cannot Breathe

2011-02-04T17:10:00.001-07:00

And I have the sneezies. And my nose is itchy. :o( *sniffle* I even took a sinus pill this morning. It's a 24-hour one--supposedly--so I really don't want to take another yet.

I have been really wanting to go swimming, but I still feel like I have a cold. It still feels like it's coming on, though. I wish it would just either get here and get over with, or go away.

Yesterday, well, I don't know how I did. I didn't count. However, I would estimate that the answer is "not very well." Today, I didn't count either, because I had a special sushi roll for lunch that probably isn't called the same thing at other restaurants (it was called a Golden Dragon roll, and it was like a dynamite roll with salmon and avocado on top). I also had a California roll and two salmon nigiri. And a clementine. And one potato chip. Yes, just one. I'm only starting to get a bit hungry now, after my very filling lunch. All in all, I would say I'm doing not bad today. Although I didn't eat breakfast. I probably should have, but I just...didn't.

I felt kind of down this morning. I'm not sure why. But I did a few dishes, and ate, and that helped. Maybe my lack of motivation is just getting me down a bit. I was wondering if that means the Zoloft isn't working? But I'm not having the bad, paranoid (as in anxiety-related) sort of thoughts I was before, so that seems to be an improvement. I dunno. I still wish I felt more motivated/hopeful about the future. I do feel like I have a little more control over my moods now, so that's good, I guess. I should probably work on that happiness book the psychiatrist recommended.

Happy Groundhog Day!

2011-02-02T21:52:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's February already. I believe I mentioned that yesterday. I still can't believe it.

I did okay yesterday...sort of. I went over my MyFitnessPal calories significantly, but I was still at 2167--or so--for the day, which I see as not horrible, considering. Today, however, I did not do very well. I didn't count, and I ate too much chocolate. And I don't feel that great (I think it's a cold), so I didn't want to cook, so we ordered pizza and wings (and chocolate dippers from Pizza Hut, which are evil), and now I feel bad about that, and I didn't go swimming tonight because I feel like I have a bit of a cold and the last time I went swimming when I didn't feel good, I got the stomach flu, and I don't want anything like that to happen again, and I have the Pizza Hut crapola for leftovers, that will have to be eaten, plus a bunch of other pasta-y leftovers...and this very long sentence is basically to say, today was bad. And it will have consequences that reach beyond today.

And..I'm not blaming him--really, I'm not--because I believe that you can't be sabotaged unless you allow it, but I think my husband is a bit of a saboteur. But I FIRMLY believe that what I put into my mouth is my responsibility and no one else's, so it shouldn't matter. Still, his willingness to help me misbehave makes me wonder why he seems to be willing to do that. What part of me throwing all this weight loss out the window makes him feel more comfortable than me losing? That's what I wonder. He might say that I get mad at him if he suggests I don't eat something bad, and he might have a point. But still, sometimes I think he's sabotaging me. My friends have even commented on it. So I guess I just need to be aware of it.

Perhaps, considering my beliefs on responsibility, I should word the above as, why have I been allowing myself to be sabotaged? What am I getting out of it?

One Day At a Time

2011-02-01T13:16:00.002-07:00

I did okay yesterday. I went over my MyFitnessPal calories by about 65-ish, I think. Which is much, much better than I've been doing for the past...oh, I don't know--a long time, anyway--before that.

Sarah and I did go swimming yesterday morning, so that was nice. I burned about 400 calories. That's about the only reason I was able to stay at a reasonable number of calories. I was starving all day yesterday! I actually had 4 meals. I'm not sure what I'm going to do today for exercise. The weather warmed up a bit, so I suppose I could go for a walk.

Do you know what I did yesterday? I rushed to finish a library book that was due back and couldn't be renewed because it had holds. So I was reading it in the car in the library parking lot. Then, last night, I realized that I had two more books (which I had already read) that were due yesterday, but it was too late to take them in. I was able to renew one of them so that I didn't get charged, but not the other. I feel very, very silly about that. I can't believe it didn't even cross my mind that I had other books that should have gone back. So I guess I'll have to take them back today.

Wow, I can't believe it's February already. One month ago today, we learned that my stepson's girlfriend proposed to him, and he said yes. Yep, you read that right--that's how it happened. I hope for the best for both of them. We're not sure when the wedding is.

Tomorrow's Groundhog Day already! Wow. I should go get the movie to watch, haha. I don't care what that silly groundhog says--we always have at least six more weeks of winter here in Calgary.

I Can Do This (?)

2011-01-31T10:37:00.001-07:00

I've talked to my friend Sarah, and we're going to take up swimming again. I used to go with her ALL the time, but we just kind of stopped.

I feel less insane about sugar today. Not sure why. TOM is over; maybe that's it. If I want sugar today, I think I'll have some strawberries or an orange.

I Don't Know What to Do!

2011-01-24T14:20:00.000-07:00

I suck. :o( I'm doing horribly, and I just can't seem to get my act together. I don't even know what to do about it all. I can't seem to stay on track for more than a couple of days at a time. All I want to do is eat--and what I want to eat is carbs and sugar.

I heard that Jack Lalanne died (today? I heard it today). That's sad. But 96...wow.

I Has Da Munchies

2011-01-21T20:51:00.001-07:00

Halp... :o(

Insert Title Here

2011-01-20T14:01:00.001-07:00

Yesterday...didn't go so well, eating-wise. I was so hungry! I feel pretty hungry today, too. I think TOM is next week, so that must be it. I wouldn't have done too badly, but my husband made strawberry shortcake, which was delicious. I want some now. *sigh* Maybe I'll take a nap, instead.

I didn't go swimming, either. My back is kind of screwed up again. It could be worse, but it feels like I could move the wrong way and throw it out again. I was afraid of getting into and out of the deep pool. The main pool has stairs, which is good for me because I have less chance of hurting myself, but the ladders can be a problem if my back hurts. I went to the chiropractor yesterday, and I'm supposed to go back if it's still bothering me. I think I'll see how it is tomorrow.

I've got a travel bug again. I want to go to Hawaii. Anyone been?

ETA: I forgot to mention my dinner plans! I got the idea for taco salad from Embracing Balance yesterday (I'm behind in my blog reading). So I made it tonight (except I used beef instead of turkey), and it was sooo good! And so filling! Yum! I was hoping for leftovers, but it's not looking like that's going to happen.

So Much Stuff!

2011-01-19T14:31:00.001-07:00

We have too much crap. We also have too much paper, which is important stuff mixed with paper-type crap. *sigh* I just spent about half an hour downstairs looking for a receipt I need for a reimbursement claim. I found it...upstairs by the couch. This has cut into my nap time. Oh well, at least I found it. Were I not the procrastinating sort, everything would be filed now. But it's not. Heh.

I did end up going for a walk yesterday, and tonight, I think I'm going swimming. I hear it was very busy last week, and they've changed the schedule so that it's a shared pool every day of the week at the time we normally go, which sounds like it's not a good thing. I guess we'll see.

I stayed under my calorie goal yesterday, blah blah blah. I'm constantly hungry, though, and I want sweets! And then when I eat sweets, I just want more sweets! *cries*

Lazy Bones

2011-01-18T14:38:00.000-07:00

I have done basically nothing today that could be construed as useful or productive. I'm kind of ashamed of myself. o.0 And now my back hurts.

Yesterday I went to Zellers to go shopping, and two of the things I bought will have to be returned. I bought a pair of pants, got them home, and discovered a hole in them, and I bought a Brita tap filter because the indicator light on our other one went out, and the new one I bought broke. Already. Makes me mad. *sigh*

I weighed myself very early this morning, and I didn't like the number. Yesterday I said that if I wasn't so dehydrated, I'd weigh more, and that is the case. But at least I'm not as dehydrated. I bought a humidifier yesterday, too. I think it's helping. My eyes and nose feel better. It's so loud, though! The box says it's supposed to be quiet, but if that's quiet, I'd hate to hear what the other ones sound like. Still, I wish I had another one. Why? Because that's for a small room. I left it on in the bedroom today because I'm hoping to get it good and humidified before we go to bed. I don't think I can handle listening to that another night. I wish I had one for the living room, too.

In spite of the fact that my body's not cooperating and losing (but gaining instead, WTF!!???), I was well under my calories yesterday. I didn't exercise, though. I might go for a walk today, if I can get my butt in gear.

Well...

2011-01-17T10:43:00.000-07:00

I had planned to get up early today and go shopping, but I woke up early, read for a bit, and then went back to sleep. Then I woke up at 10:12 feeling groggy and stiff. Oops. Oh well, could be worse, I guess. I see it's a balmy -8°C out today--can't miss that!

I have oodles and oodles of cleaning to do today. At least it feels like it. The area of the kitchen that I am usually able to keep clean, has become a disaster since I've been sick. My husband cleaned the rest of the kitchen, at least, which was nice of him.

I haven't had much exercise lately, and now it feels hard. On Saturday, we went to my friend Shyla's house for dinner, and we played their Kinect afterward. It was fun! But on one of the games (river rapids or something), I played it for about a minute and then felt really sick again after for a little while. But then I played a dance one later, and was fine, just tired. Weird.

Hmph. I just weighed myself, and I'm the same as I was before I got sick! I didn't even eat that much this weekend! My husband even commented about his surprise that I wasn't going back and forth to the kitchen. Which is pretty bad, if you think about it. Jeepers. Anyway, I feel that this is not fair, and I demand a recount. I'm insanely dehydrated, too--one of the things I'm going shopping for is a new water filter--so after I replace the water I'm missing I'll be even heavier. Hmph.

I guess I'm back to counting today!

Still Kickin'

2011-01-15T15:37:00.000-07:00

My horrible stomach flu seems to be mostly over. Yay! :D It was so bizarre. Wednesday was the worst day. But ever since Sunday or Monday, I kept getting pain in my stomach at regular intervals--about every 10 minutes or so. It would only last a few seconds, but damn, it hurt! I think that went away sometime in the middle of the night between Wednesday and Thursday.

I'm still just a little tired, and now I'm re-adjusting to real food--I was only able to eat bananas, yogurt, and broth, and I just drank water, Gatorade, and ginger-ale for a few days. Except for the part where I felt horrible, I'm a bit sad that I didn't have at least another day of having to drink broth. I love broth. I know I still could drink it anyway, but it doesn't fill me up at all, plus it's pretty salty. I think it gave me a headache one day. Actually, I'm still having a bit of a problem with headaches. Not too bad, but I have to take a sinus pill every night, or I wake up at 5 a.m. feeling like my head's going to explode.

I haven't been outside since Monday. :o\ Which makes me sad. I need to go outside or I get all down in the dumps. Tonight we're going to my friend Shyla's for dinner, though, so that should be fun. She got a Kinect that she wants to show us. :o) Did I mention I get to go outside??!!!

I have nothing to wear. I've been wearing jammies all week.

I Shall Return

2011-01-12T21:18:00.000-07:00

I feel awful. AWFUL!!! My stomach flu or whatever it is got much worse today. So rather than posting every day that I feel like crap, I'll be back when I feel normal again. I hope it's sooner rather than later.

On the bright(?) side, I lost 4 lbs today. Yay?

Does anyone else turn into a total baby when they're sick? I'm 32 years old, and I want my mommy! Desperately! Yes, in spite of her issues. Although if she was here, I guarantee that I'd want her gone right away. But still.

Ta ta for now.

Or Not...

2011-01-12T10:24:00.000-07:00

My stomach started hurting in the afternoon yesterday, and I still don't feel that great this morning. Plus, now I also feel a little bit weak on top of it all. Can someone please wave a magic wand and take this bug away? That would be great.

Sooo...I'm not very hungry, and I don't think I'll have any problems staying within my calories. I may have problems getting enough to eat, but I do not care at the moment.

And on top of all that, it's a yucky, cold, snowy, gray day out, and I don't like it, and I feel kind of down and I don't really know why. Maybe it's the weather. *grumble* I feel cranky, too.

Because I am such a bastion of positivity today (not), I'm going to stay in, read my book, sleep, and just generally save the world from myself.

So Far, So Good

2011-01-11T11:08:00.000-07:00

I feel quite a bit better today. I no longer feel like my stomach would pop like a balloon if I stuck a pin in it. Not that I would, because that would be silly. Still a bit bloated, but not too bad. Of course, I took just about every tummy remedy known to man yesterday. And I just had some yogurt and a banana for dinner. I couldn't handle the thought of anything else, and I think that took it a bit easier on my poor tummy. I just ate breakfast, though, so I'll have to see how that goes over.

So, with the dinner of yogurt and bananas (okay, and a bit of cheddar cheese later at night...and a few sips of Gatorade), I'm pretty sure I was well within my calories. I stopped counting after lunch, since it went over so badly that I knew there wouldn't be a "real" dinner. There was no exercise, though, and there probably won't be today, either. I'm very tired. I had an extremely hard time convincing myself to get out of bed this morning.

Speaking of exercise, I finally received my copy of "Sweatin' to the Oldies 5" yesterday. I ordered it on Christmas day. I was getting a little worried about it, because I ordered it from one of the independent people, not from Amazon itself. It was a few bucks cheaper that way.

Yesterday, in addition to the bananas, Gatorade, ginger-ale, and yogurt I requested, my mean an' cruel an' evil husband also brought home my favourite chips (for himself, but still!), and some chocolate, and the aforementioned cheddar that I couldn't resist even last night. Meanie. He left the chips on the counter. They are taunting me.

Bug?

2011-01-10T11:55:00.000-07:00

I need a new tummy. :o( Mine hurt all night; every time I woke up, I had a stomach ache. Sometimes it prevented me from sleeping. I thought it might be--you know, the usual reason for a stomach ache--but nope, that's not it. So I'm wondering if I have some sort of mild stomach bug. It still hurts, but not as bad as it did all night.

Also, my silly kitty would NOT let me sleep last night! I ended up shutting him out of the room 3 times. Usually, shutting him out once is enough, but not last night. Oh, what a little pain. It's a good thing he's cute.

So...I did badly this weekend, starting Friday. On Friday, I had the specialist appointment to see if I need to be concerned about my heart, and I didn't eat breakfast because I didn't want my stomach to get upset. I didn't think it would take that long. Well, it turns out, it wouldn't have taken that long, but my doctor's office seems to have lost my echo-cardiogram report. They, inexplicably, sent him my psychiatric report instead. I didn't even know they had it. Also, the assistant called the place I had the echo-cardiogram done to ask them to send it, but although they kept saying they faxed it, it never came through. So by the time I got home I was beyond starving, and ate everything in sight.

Then this weekend was a lot of snow and wind and cold, and just generally crappy weather, and I'm afraid that mostly being stuck at home with a bunch of not-so-satisfying food was a problem for me. Although on Saturday night, we managed to make it out to go to a restaurant called Gaucho's, which is a Brazilian rodizio. It was good, but quite honestly I was more interested in the carb-y items than the meat. We ordered an appetizer of cheese buns made from manioc flour, and they were really good. Even my dad ate one and thought it was good, and he hates cheese (who is this person? I can't really be related to him!). I want to go back. I'd be perfectly happy to just have what they call the salad bar, but which actually includes rice, potatoes, meat dishes, stews, beans, etc.

Anyway, I'm trying to be back on track today. Therefore it's annoying that MyFitnessPal is down for the time being. But I shall persevere.

Much Better...

2011-01-06T16:01:00.000-07:00

I don't feel anywhere near as crappy today. Yay! My nose is kind of stuffed, but no headache, no upset tummy (yet, anyway, although I just took my newly-increased dosage of Zoloft a minute ago), etc. Good thing, too, because last night was awful!

I was kind of feeling yucky at the pool for the first few minutes, but then I felt way better for the rest of the time there. I felt very tired as we were leaving, though, and kind of yucky on the way home, but not too bad. But then, about 2 in the morning (I think...it might have been earlier), I had to get up and put some cream on, and as I was standing at the bathroom counter, I felt absolutely horrible. I felt so weak, and hot, and I started sweating a lot (wait...girls don't sweat...I was "sparkling." A lot.), and when I made it back to the bed I had to prop my head up because my stomach felt really sick. But laying still seemed to help, and I fell back to sleep. I woke up again at 4-something, and decided to get the bottle of Gatorade that my husband had put in my Christmas stocking, because that often helps when I feel weak and sick. So I thought, "perfect!" And I didn't know if I'd still feel awful when I stood up or not, so I mentally prepared myself for the long (okay, it's not that long) trek to the fridge.

It was gone. :o\

G is with juice like I am with chocolate. Nothing is safe. Luckily, I didn't feel so awful anymore by then. I was mad, though. He always drinks my juice. >:o( I'm very hard done by, you know. ♪♫"Nobody knows the troubles I've seen, Nobody knows my sorrow!"♪♫ (Imagine that in a caterwauling voice). I'm done now. I need to get one of those small fridges, put a lock on it, and keep any juice I know I might want in there. Then maybe I'll get to drink some once in awhile. What!? He hides his chocolate from me!

Anyway, we went swimming for an hour last night, so I counted it as 400 calories earned. It worked out swimmingly. Hee.

Today, I've just gone for my walk around the block, which I counted as 120 calories, because that's about what it's been the last two times while wearing my heart-rate monitor. I still need more exercise for today, especially since we're going out to eat tonight. Mexican. My friend Shyla asked me if I wanted to go for coffee, but I suggested dinner instead because I have to go out for that anyway.

Ohhh...

2011-01-05T15:46:00.000-07:00

I don't feel good today. :o( I've had a headache pretty much all day, which got quite a bit better after my visit to the chiropractor this morning, but is back now. I felt so much better that I didn't take anything for it, but I guess I should have. Well, I took a sinus pill, but that didn't cut the mustard. Also, my tummy's upset, which it has been since last night, and I'm freezing. And I have to go swimming tonight. Everybody else is going, and there's no way I'm going to "call in sick" from it again. This is the first swim of the new year, and I haven't gone for ages. But oh, I wish I didn't feel so crappy! Halp...

So anyway, I haven't done any exercise yet today. I've been getting so tired by 9 p.m. lately that when I felt tired earlier, I decided I better take a nap if I'm to stay awake in the pool tonight. I don't think I'm quite finished napping yet.

Yesterday I did well, although I was hungry and wanted to snack. But I still had calories left over, because once I went over, I earned more through a combination of a walk, Wii tennis and Frisbee golf, and putting away laundry. Surprising how many calories putting away laundry burns...

I'm kind of starting to like MyFitnessPal because at the end of the day, there's a button that you click on that says, "Complete today's entry," and it tells you that, "if every day were like today, you'd weigh ___ lbs in 5 weeks." So that's kind of neat.

So Far the Plan

2011-01-04T15:45:00.000-07:00

Well, yesterday I ended up doing quite well after all, much to my surprise! I am going by MyFitnessPal's calories now, which it has set for me at 1660 per day. But then I can earn more by exercising, which is how I ended up having 97 calories left for the day yesterday. Pretty good, no? I thought so, especially since I snacked too much around lunchtime. But then I earned 120 for a walk around my block, and 343 on the Wii, just playing tennis and Frisbee golf. Yay!

So far, so good for today, too, although I'm feeling a bit snacky at the moment. I've already gone for my walk and burned 122 calories (I went up the front sidewalk to get the mail, which burned an extra 2 calories, lol). I didn't go at all last week, so I thought I'd do 4 walks this week. Two down; two to go. I'm going swimming tomorrow, too.

I had to go visit my psychiatrist today. I get another dosage increase, which is good. I've been feeling a lot better than I was, for sure, but I think there's still room for improvement. I think I'm going to finish the dose I already had before I switch, though. I have a few days' worth left. It's nice to actually want to leave the house/get off the couch sometimes. I go see her again in 3 weeks, and then I get a different one because she's going on maternity leave. Too bad--I like her. Oh well. Maybe I'll like the next one, too.

Oh, I think I'm starting to get the hang of MyFitnessPal to make it say what I want it to say for calories. I just do the math. For example, if I eat a pork chop that is 495 calories (Costco has really big pork chops) I'd figure out the calories I actually ate on my spreadsheet (we cut them into twos or threes), and then, say it came out to 200 calories. I'd say I ate 0.4040404040 etc. of a pork chop. It still would be nice to be able to add the amounts myself, but this works, too.

I think I'm going to go play Wii tennis now. :D

Tricksy Little Small Plates

2011-01-03T14:45:00.000-07:00

Well, the restaurant we went to last night wasn't bad, but it's nowhere that either of us particularly feel the need to return to. However, those small plates are tricksy little things! It seems like you're hardly eating anything, and then all of a sudden you're so stuffed you feel like you're waddling out to the truck. Or maybe that was just me. The fullness snuck up on me! On a good note, even after the fullness wore off and I wanted something else to eat (or drink--I kind of wanted tea), I didn't have anything. On a bad note, I was so hungry before we went that my planned "small" snack actually got to be quite excessive. I guess it's going to take a bit to get the hang of counting again.

MyFitnessPal is ticking me off. If only you could just put the name and the calories of your food, that would be lovely. I could put just the calories, but then I might not remember what it was that I ate! So that won't work for me. Does anyone know of any tracking websites like MyFitnessPal, but where you can enter your food the way you want to?

I just remembered that I forgot one of the items I had for lunch. Darn, I thought I wasn't doing too bad today, but with that I won't be doing that well. I will have to exercise to make up for it.

Wowee, I'm Tired!!!

2011-01-02T17:07:00.001-07:00

Holy crap--Costco takes a lot out of a person! I'm so tired! So, although I feel like I'm starving to death, I've been trying to behave myself today. I weighed my breakfast and for "lunch" I just had Costco samples. I don't really think it added up to all that much, just because there was no chocolate or anything. We are thinking of going out tonight to one of the restaurants that we have one of those social media coupons for (like Groupon, etc.--I forget where this particular one came from). Anyway, the place we'd be going tonight, we decided, was Tango Bistro. It's one of those "small plates" places. That's the coupon we have that expires first. I don't know if I want to go anywhere, though, because I'm so tired!

We also went to a second-hand game store and bought a few new-to-us video games. I got Golden Compass and Ninjabread Man (hee!) for the Wii, and Harry Potter for the Gamecube, which my husband assures me I can play on the Wii. I want Donkey Kong, though! I can't find it anywhere for less than $50. Ah well. I also wish I could find a game just like the one I used to play when I was a teenager. I think it was for Super Nintendo, and it was a Flintstones game. It was so fun! Except for the crappy music, but that was easily turned off.

So, I walked a lot today, which is probably a good thing. My back is KILLING me, and I think it's from sitting on the couch. Which is what I'm doing right now. But it's like the first time in hours, so it's okay.

So, I weighed myself this morning, and while the news is not good, it's not anywhere near as bad as I feared. Basically, I gained about a pound or two over Christmas. Not half bad, right? I don't think so. I think that's the least ever, and I didn't count at all. I've been terrible!

What Are Your New Year's Resolutions?

2011-01-01T19:51:00.000-07:00

I'm not too crazy about resolutions, myself, but after the crappy last few months (two years?) I've had, I want 2011 to be a better year. I'm thinking I need resolutions in the areas of weight loss, finances, and cleaning. I haven't hammered out the details yet, but I'm working on it.

But as for the weight loss one, I plan to start getting back on track tomorrow. I'm a little worried about it, because I've been off track for awhile. I'm going to start with just counting calories again. One thing is that I don't have a meal plan, so I guess I'll have to make one. It's much easier to track that way.

I'm afraid to weigh myself. :o\ Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll just start behaving and weigh myself in a month (or five) or something.

The Wii Has Broken My Body!

2010-12-30T11:12:00.001-07:00

My arms, shoulders, and back hurt--basically, every muscle that I've used to swing my "tennis racket" hurts! It's good, though. I like that kind of pain. Hmmm, is that weird? Oh well. I love tennis on the Wii. We haven't even moved on to Sports Resort yet, let alone the other games we bought. The sports one is too much fun! We got it set up online last night, too, thanks to the help of someone on a message board I frequent. My husband thought we needed an adapter, but this lady said we just needed a wireless connection, and she was right. So that saved us from spending money for nothing.

My hips are also sore. They're killing me, in fact. And that, I don't think has anything to do with the Wii. I've been so sore since we were in the Pass--at first I thought it was from sleeping on the super-uncomfortable bed at my grandma's house (we have to pull the mattress off onto the floor or we just fall into the middle of the bed), but I've been in my own lovely bed for two nights now, and my hips still hurt. It's the muscles, but I don't know what's causing it. It makes it hard to sleep at night. I wish it would stop already.

Today I want to go buy some styling mousse, and then play with my new blow dryer to try to get my hair looking nice. I don't know if I remember how to do it now; it's been a long time. Then I think I'll go get sushi, because I filled my "frequent diner" card and I have $15 worth of free sushi to look forward to. Yay!

I know it's terrible--I know it is, you don't have to tell me--but I can't bring myself to buckle down until after New Year's. But then, I am seriously going to have to buckle down and smarten up. No excuses. Luckily my mood seems to be getting a bit better lately, and I want to leave the house more, so that can't hurt. I also have plenty of time to work on my course AND that "feeling good" workbook that my psychiatrist recommended now that I have until the end of May to finish the course. That can't hurt, either. It's easier to plan for and accomplish things when your sense of motivation isn't in the toilet.

What Am I Doing Up?

2010-12-29T06:21:00.000-07:00

It's only 6 a.m. I've been up for awhile now. I'm just not the slightest bit tired. In fact, I want to empty the dishwasher and do the other dishes, but I don't want to wake up my husband. So here I am on the interwebz.

So I'm thinking I need to get myself back on track these days. I've let it get way out of hand. Apparently my "Sweatin' to the Oldies 5" has shipped, so that's good. Also, I played boxing on the Wii last night (I won!), and it was very tiring, so it must burn a fair bit of calories, I'd think. Especially because I get so competitive. Although if I were my husband, I don't think I'd play with me anymore. I did a slow-mo victory lap around the living room when I won. Obnoxious or what? I won at tennis, too. :p

So back to the getting on track thing. I'm torn. On one hand, I really need to, and that would be the sensible thing to do. On the other hand, I have cookies. Date cookies. From Grandma. I love Grandma's date cookies. I have lots of chocolate and stuff, too. And I still have leftovers. Writing about this is making me hungry. No, no, I really need to get back on track. Cookies or no cookies.

Speaking of Grandma-related things, everyone was on fairly good behaviour while we were in the Pass, so that was nice. Grandma was a bit cranky, but she's having issues--medical issues--and if I were having those sorts of issues, I'd be cranky, too. We didn't know what to get her for Christmas at first, but then we went to the Walmart in Pincher Creek to check out the Boxing Week specials (which sucked), and got her a heating pad. It was my husband's idea because she was complaining about having to get up to refill her hot water bottle a few times a night. The heating pad was a big hit, although she still insists on having a hot water bottle, too. But she doesn't have to refill it as often this way. She's afraid of leaving the heating pad plugged in, even though it has an auto shutoff. But she won't even leave her microwave plugged in, so...that's to be expected, I guess.

My mom got me a blow dryer with a diffuser, which I asked for (no more limp hair! Yay!), and a box with a bunch of Nivea goodies in it. My brother got me a thing that's like a cross between binoculars and a telescope. I don't know what it's called. Looks neat, though. I'm excited about all of it. :o)

I need fun Wii game recommendations. I think I want a Wii Fit, but I don't think we can afford it right now. What's cool and unusual in the world of Wii these days?

Okay, I'm cold, so I'm going back to bed now.

Christmas 2010

2010-12-26T13:12:00.001-07:00

Our tree:

Me, wearing one of my new tops, which I love:

My husband playing with the PS3 I got him (and kitty checking out what’s going on in front of the TV):

Christmas cats:

Now I think we’ll be going to the Pass today, although I really don’t want to all that much. *sigh* Oh well. I want to stay in a hotel, but G’s feeling cheap about things. And so am I, although I’m a little more invested in my own mental health, I guess.

Yesterday I bought myself Sweatin’ to the Oldies 5 on Amazon. Merry Christmas to meeeeeeeeee!!! Haha! The basement appears to be shaping up a bit, so maybe I’ll actually be able to get reacquainted with Richard soon!

Merry Christmas, Everybody!

2010-12-25T10:32:00.000-07:00

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday!

I got a Wii (YAY!!!), some clothes, a new digital camera (which is good because the one I had was awful), some socks, some chocolates...and I don't even know what my mom and brother got me yet. :D

Merry Christmas Eve!

2010-12-24T11:03:00.000-07:00

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas! :o)

My plans for today are to go to the library, wrap presents, and make meatloaf muffins, in exactly that order. So away I go!

Takin' It Easy

2010-12-23T10:46:00.000-07:00

I finished my Christmas shopping last night, pretty much. I still have to get something for my grandma, but since I won't see her until after Christmas, I'm not too worried about it yet. I do feel a bit guilty about what I got my mom. I just got her a bath gift set for about $10. She wanted a bath gift set, but I spent much more than that on everybody else. On the other hand, nobody else used to scream at me until I threw up, leading to stress-related problems that haunt me to this day. Then I feel guilty because I am, clearly, still bitter about it all. *sigh*

*ahem* Anyway, my point was that I think I'll take it easy today. I have presents to wrap, but I'm going to take that easy, too. I'll do my husband's stocking stuffers (I wrapped his main gift last night), and then if I don't feel like doing the rest, I'll get him to help me with everyone else's. One way or another, we'll get 'er done. I also have big plans to read my book. Maybe I can finish it today (and start on another! Yay!).

I need to go for my second weekly walk today at some point. I'm not looking forward to it, only because last time, it irritated my lungs and I needed my inhaler when I got back. My inhaler is still making my heart beat too fast since the Celexa debacle, but it was that or not be able to breathe, so, you know. Hopefully it doesn't happen today. Everything is irritating my lungs lately. I seem to have all the symptoms of a sinus infection--the "swimmy" head feeling, the cough, the general feeling of malaise, the gag reflex (when I have a sinus infection, everything makes me gag), the tiredness--except for the plugged sinuses. I don't know what's wrong with me. I wish it would go away, though.

I'm going to go track my food now. I didn't do it yesterday. :o\

Why Does the Day Go By So Fast!?

2010-12-22T13:00:00.000-07:00

Somehow I didn't have time to blog before I went to the chiropractor. Therefore, late again!

I did a bit more Christmas shopping after the chiropractor. I got my dad a book and a gift set of that "Cool Water" aftershave and cologne and such. Personally, I am very picky about perfume and don't like getting gifts like that, but he's given them to me, so it occurred to me that maybe that's the sort of thing he likes. I have to do one more thing--check out something my husband saw at Zellers that he thought might be a good gift for my brother. I might do that tonight. And then I have to wrap everything! I haven't wrapped one single thing yet. Ugh! Too much!

I was thinking again that I miss New Orleans. I miss that whole area between New Orleans and Mobile, actually. I liked it there! I like the South... And you know what else? I'm reading Richard Simmons's autobiography now, and now I know where he lived in the French Quarter (926 St. Louis Street, in case anyone is crazy like me and wants to know these sorts of things)! It's not so far from the hotel we stayed in. I spent some time down there trying to figure it out, but never did. Now I come back and find out no problem. I have to go back. And he mentions The Court of Two Sisters (it's a restaurant) in his book, and I was like, "OHMYGODIWASTHERE!!!" Heh.

I wish there was a way you could use MyFitnessPal to manually enter your food if you want. If there is a way, I don't know it. All I can figure out is to add your food to their database. And you can't edit your meals, either. For example, I used to use parmesan cheese on my spaghetti, but I switched to romano. But I can't edit my meals to reflect that. I mean the regular meals you can set up if you eat them a lot.

I'm just babbling, really. I got nothin'. I am barely hangin' on food-wise, but I think I will do better after Christmas is over. I don't think I'm doing too badly for all the treats that are everywhere these days.

Week Two of Schedule: Not Going So Well

2010-12-21T10:02:00.000-07:00

Last week, it was great. I felt more productive. This week, I can't seem to get my light out by 11:00 p.m., not when there are books to be read. And I can't seem to get up by 8:30. I blame Spices for that, though. Every morning between 3 and 5, he's taken to coming to tell me either that he loves me desperately and can't wait even one more minute to tell me so, or that he's very hard done by and nobody knows the troubles he's seen. This morning it was the latter. I'm so tired! I usually boot him out of the room after a few snuggles (once he starts trying to knock stuff off my nightstand), but my bedroom door doesn't shut properly, and he'll body slam it until it opens again. I need uninterrupted sleeeeeeeeeeeeep! :o(

I had a movie night yesterday, and I was so relaxed, I almost fell asleep. I wonder if that means the "antianxiety" part of my Zoloft is kicking in. I don't feel relaxed right now. Right now, I have a headache. From lack of sleep, is my guess. Harumph.

I put a link to MyFitnessPal on my sidebar, so hopefully that will help me remember to use it. Anybody want to join me over there?

I need to go shopping today, but I don't want to. But I have to. I need groceries, and I need Christmas presents.

What to Write?

2010-12-20T10:06:00.000-07:00

Hmmm...what did I do this weekend? I have such a bad memory, I can't really remember. Isn't that sad? Not much, I guess. It's crazy out there. Oh, wait--I did lose my bank card. Yeah. Although that might have been on Thursday or Friday. Oops.

I only did one of my walks last week, not two. I need to make sure I do at least two this week. It would be easier if it wasn't so cold! But I shall persevere.

I still have Christmas shopping to do, but I don't want to go out. I want to be prepared next year, dangit! I say that every year, and I never, ever do it. Part of it is that it feels like tempting fate. But I plan to try it next year anyway. For reals this time.

I'm thinking about trying out MyFitnessPal (again) for tracking my food. I hate tracking, honestly. Hate. It. But I know it's been proven to help. Maybe that will make it easier.

Difficulty...

2010-12-17T10:26:00.000-07:00

I'm having a rough time right now with this whole weight loss/healthy lifestyle thing. I think that much is obvious. I don't know what to do about it. I'm not in a place yet where I can focus on doing what I need to do. The most I can do, right now, I think, is to try to make sure it doesn't get any worse. Then, when I'm able, maybe I can start back with the baby steps on my way to my goal.

My friend Shyla wants me to join Weight Watchers with her when I "get [my] poop in a group," is how she put it. I guess that's her way of saying, "when I get my shit together." Her way of putting it made me laugh. :p I think I'm too cheap to join WW, though. Maybe I could do the online one. I think that's a bit cheaper. The new points system actually sounds pretty good. I like that you don't have to count fruit with it (you do still have to count bananas, though, right? I've been wondering about that). She was all mad at first about the change, but she emailed me a day or two ago to tell me that now she thinks it will actually be really good.

I noticed something last night. I felt really, really hungry, and I tried to fill the feeling with peanut butter (and, um, Nutella, which is actually really oily and gross if one stops nomming it long enough to think about it). Anyway, it didn't work. Obviously, I wasn't hungry. I think I sometimes mistake indigestion for hunger. That's what I think happened last night. Next time I feel hungry when I shouldn't be, maybe I'll try a Rolaids instead. Less calories, that's for sure.

Today I have to do my second weekly walk (I did the first one on Tuesday), because I didn't do it yesterday. I also have to go buy cat food and pizza ingredients for dinner tonight. I also finished my Chapter 9 notes last night, but I think they're too long. I want to try to cut them down some more. I also hope to finish my Chapter 10 notes today. Cleaning the kitchen up a bit is also on the agenda.

M'Up! Zonk

2010-12-16T09:20:00.000-07:00

No, seriously, I'm up and showered and everything. I intend to go Christmas shopping pretty quick here. It's 9:07, and I hope to be at the store by 10:00, but we'll see how it goes. I just ate, so I have to wait and see if my tummy's gonna be okay.

I'm kind of upset about the heart thing. I know I said it doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but I wish he could have told me that everything was totally fine, and nothing to worry about instead, you know? Now it's just one more thing I have to deal with. *sigh* Hopefully the specialist will find that it's nothing to worry about. I hope. He's the guy who told me to lose as much weight as possible. He said you can't be too skinny. I gained weight since I saw him last, though. :o(

Yesterday I did okay with the food, until evening. See, I decided it would be nice to have wings from M&M Meat Shops (they are decent for calories) for dinner, along with carrot and celery sticks. And I was right; it was nice. However, I sent my husband to pick them up, and he also came back with a bunch of desserts that were "only $1.50 each!" One of them, sadly, was a chocolate chip lava cookie. I ate it. It was delicious. It was also 520 calories. I ate it anyway. I don't think I'll eat those anymore. It would have been just as good (and far less calories) to melt some chocolate and dip strawberries into it, honestly. But still, there's a chance that my calories weren't too bad anyway, because of my eating for the rest of the day. But as I was eating it, I kept thinking that if I do have coronary artery disease, something that rich probably wasn't doing my heart any favours. It probably wasn't anyway, even if I don't.

I finished Chapter 12 in my textbook yesterday, and now I'm on to the assignment. My plan of attack is to make notes for Chapters 9-12. This way, I'll have all the pertinent information condensed and at my fingertips. It may also be a way for me to procrastinate on my assignment, but I figure it doesn't matter too much because the notes will be useful for studying for the final exam, anyway. I made it about halfway through Chapter 9 for notes last night. I'm happy with them so far, so hopefully I can keep it up. Usually I'm terrible at note-taking.

I suppose I should go get ready to face the madding crowds now.

Ain't It Funny How Time Slips Away

2010-12-15T12:48:00.002-07:00

Goodness, this is one of my later posts! I did stick to my schedule last night and today (so far), but I had to go to the doctor today, which took forever. I just came home, ate my sushi (mmmm!), and now I'm writing this, so it took me all morning pretty much. However, at least, since I got up early, I accomplished a few things already: scooped the litter boxes, read some of my textbook, and got the doctor visit over with (finally!).

So today I learned that there is something wrong with my heart. Apparently it skips a beat once in awhile. Sometimes I feel it, but I didn't really think it was a big deal. It kind of knocks the wind out of me, but it's over with in a few seconds. He said it could be caused by coronary artery disease, smoking, drugs, drinking too much pop (??? I think that's what he said, anyway), or stress. I don't smoke, do drugs, or drink much pop, so I guess that leaves me with coronary artery disease or stress. I hope it's just stress. He doesn't seem to be too concerned about it, but he's very thorough so he's sending me back to that specialist that he sent me to before (for my blood pressure, that time), to see if he thinks I need anymore tests or anything.

I think my meds kicked in yesterday. I can't say I feel particularly happy (I don't feel miserable, either, but I kind of did on Monday), but I am able to concentrate again. In fact, I read an entire chapter in my textbook yesterday! Maybe I won't need another extension after all. I'm also more than halfway through the next chapter. Then I have an assignment to do, another stupid essay, which I'm dreading. I hate essays, but I keep thinking of how wonderful it would be if I had that part over with by Christmas. Then it would just be a few more chapters to read, and my final exam to worry about.

I have the hiccups. :o( I felt really, really sick yesterday, so I didn't eat too much, I don't think. I was so nauseous at one point in the afternoon that it woke me up from my nap. I even thought I might throw up, but I didn't. Today I missed breakfast because I didn't think it would take that long at the doctor's. I don't really feel sick right now, but I hope it doesn't come back, because I'm supposed to go swimming tonight. I'd hate to cancel again (although it wasn't me last week). I haven't been swimming in a very long time--something always goes awry, it seems.

Today's plan is to finish Chapter 12 in my textbook, and I am considering going shopping, but maybe I'll get up early and do that tomorrow. I'd really like to get closer to being done my Christmas shopping.

A Schedule...

2010-12-14T09:51:00.000-07:00

I decided, last night, to try putting myself on a schedule. My idea was to wake up at 8, and go to bed at 11. Every day. So I tried to put that into practice today, although I decided to try to start out easy and set my alarm for 8:30 today, instead. Unfortunately, I didn't count on waking up at 5:30 this morning. I was having a weird dream. It wasn't bad, exactly, but it had bad associations.

I have mentioned before on my blog that I've been following the Victoria Stafford case. She was a little girl (8 years old) who disappeared in Ontario a couple of years ago, and her remains were found a few months later. Well, there was a publication ban in place, so there hasn't been any news on the case for over a year, and I haven't thought much about it. But recently, the publication ban was lifted, and some details came out. They are awful. I am usually pretty thick-skinned about the things I read, and I think that, were I in a less depressed/anxious state, I could handle it, but as it is...I can't read anymore. Part of me wishes I hadn't read what I did. Not now, anyway. The dream that woke me up was that we were selling a horse to the mother of the woman who pleaded guilty. It reminded me of what I'd read, and I woke up feeling very upset. So I'm taking that as a sign to lay off on reading about it.

Back to the schedule. Waking up early screwed me up. I did go to bed an hour later than I'd planned to last night, because I was reading my textbook, and then I still wanted to read a bit of my library book. So when 8:30 rolled around, I was too tired to get up. I'm pretty sure I was up by 9:00, though. But I'm still tired. Anyway, my psychiatrist had started to suggest a schedule, but then the conversation went in another direction and it sounded like she said something contradictory to that later (but I forget what it was that I thought contradicted it). But I figure it will probably help me. I know I need a more predictable bedtime, and a more predictable wake-time wouldn't hurt, either. I think I might accomplish more with it, or at least feel like I'm accomplishing more. ;o) Plus, there's always that benefit about how getting a proper night's sleep can help with the weight-loss efforts. That would be a nice bonus.

Today I plan to work on my course a lot. I should go to the doctor, but I'm thinking maybe I'll go tomorrow. As for my course, I asked for an extra extension because of the problems I was/am having concentrating on my textbook, but yesterday they sent me an email saying I can appeal for one, but there's no guarantee that it will be approved. Way to freak out a person with an anxiety disorder (yes, they know about it--I had to have the psychiatrist fill out their forms). *ahem* Plus, I read the appeals form, and it sounds like it goes in circles back to the department who sent me the email, so that seems a bit ridiculous. I'd really like to be finished as soon as possible anyway, so maybe I'll just try to throw myself into it. I didn't do too badly with the concentration last night, at least.

Buried in Boxes

2010-12-13T11:20:00.000-07:00

Halp...my living room is a disaster area. It's full of boxes of Christmas decorations. I hurt my back again a little yesterday, so I'm afraid to make it worse. It's not bad now at all, really, but I just don't want to set it off. Anyway, I hurt it decorating the tree (Christmas is dangerous for my back!), so lifting boxes is probably out of the question. *sigh* I would feel better if I wasn't tripping over boxes, though.

I'm not really sure how I did yesterday for food. I only had a very late breakfast and then dinner, but I was so hungry by dinnertime that I ate four slices of pizza. And this was Pizza Hut stuffed crust pizza (is it just me, or did this used to be a lot better/more cheesy a few years ago?), not my homemade (lower-calorie) pizza. Oops. So that was quite a bit, but overall, for the day, I think it probably evened out. I hope, anyway.

I am trying to motivate myself to go out Christmas shopping, but it's not working. I'll also have to go to the doctor sometime this week (they called me again and asked me to come in), but I'm not looking forward to that, either. I probably should have done that today and got it over with.

One thing--we did get my stepson and his girlfriend a Christmas present on the weekend, so that's one down (they're getting a "couple" gift). Now I have my husband, my dad, my mom, my brother, and my grandma. My mom's easy, but the rest--no idea. I was thinking of getting my dad one of those coin sets from the post office. Utterly useless, really, but I think he might like something like that. I dunno. I have to get my husband stocking stuffers, too. We do stockings for each other, which I like, because the stocking is my favourite part! But I don't know what to put in his.

Ugh...must. do. something...

Well, That's All Right

2010-12-12T10:39:00.000-07:00

I got brave and weighed myself last night. I thought that I had gained anywhere from 6-10 lbs, because I've just been feeling sort of puffy, but as it turns out, I've lost about 2 lbs. I still weigh too much, though--it's a scary weight that I never wanted to see again. But at least it's not as bad as I thought (and still nowhere near my highest, although it's a lot closer than I'd like to be). I haven't been drinking enough water at all, so maybe that's where that puffy feeling is coming from.

Our new tree opened up last night, and it's beautiful! I love it! :o) It was the first one we saw, too. We went and looked at the others, but when we were almost done I went and got it and brought it over to compare with the other trees we were looking at, and it was just clearly superior. We have it up and with lights on it, but that's it so far. No decorations yet. There was something wrong with a lot of our lights, and it took G a few hours to fix it. I only like incandescent lights. I hate LEDs because they make my eyes unhappy and they don't look anywhere near as nice, so I want to preserve the incandescent lights that I already have for as long as possible, since you can't buy them in the stores anymore. At least, I can't find them.

Mischief likes the tree so much that he was sitting under it last night, completely ignoring the needles that were falling on him. He was covered in them! LOL! We tried to take a picture, but he moved when we brought out the camera and shook himself off. That's the trouble with trying to take their picture--we bring out the camera, and they like to come and see what we're doing and what that shiny device in our hands is all about.

I have to go find sustenance now.

Christmas Trees!

2010-12-11T13:37:00.000-07:00

I put ours up last night!

And then I took it down.

Because we went to Ikea today and bought a real one! Yay! I haven't had a real one in years! I seriously don't even remember the last time I had a real tree. Luckily, I had only put the artificial one up. I hadn't decorated it or even spread out the branches. Now I'm only worried that Spices will decide he owns it. He likes to spray things outside. Hopefully he doesn't bring that penchant inside. So now we're in the process of putting the real one up. Well, G is. Heh.

Spices was yelling at me as I was taking the artificial one down. They like to sit under it and pretend they're Christmas presents. He was most upset that it had only been up overnight. But I think I've been forgiven now. ;o) I hope it's a nice tree. It was all bundled up, but it looked pretty full. But now I see there's a narrow part just above the fat part. Hmmm... Oh well. It smells nice. And now my hands smell like it, too. :o) I just wish I could get the sap off of them! Kittehs are fascinated by this wunnerful and exciting new development.

Oops, the excitement wore off. Now Mischief is eating the dead parts of my basil plant. Weirdo. Whoever heard of that!? I swear I'm taking them both to the shrink with me one of these days. They're both somewhat demented. Little mental patients in fur coats, I like to say. That's how I describe all cats, btw, not just mine. Or furry little live-in comedians. :o)

I did okay with the food yesterday until evening, when I decided I wanted a snack, and I bought a bag of chips. And a small package of Bits & Bites. And maybe some chocolate. Oops. I shouldn't do that. (I only had a few squares of the chocolate!). I was so mad at myself afterwards! I didn't even really need a snack. But so far today, so good, as I'm not that hungry. We went to Denny's and I had a half order of eggs Benedict. I usually get a full one. At first, when I was done, I thought I was still hungry, but by the time we were at the register to pay, I wasn't hungry anymore. And I'm still not, so that's good.

S-s-so Cold...

2010-12-10T09:38:00.000-07:00

I'm freezing, and kitteh has stolen my blanket. Halp...

It snowed last night (♪♫"it snowed last night; the sky bears had a pillow fight..."♪♫). It looks lovely; however, I could do without it. Especially since I forgot to go for my walk yesterday. So I'll have to go today, in the snow. Good thing it's short. *sigh* Note to self: Wear warm things.

I think I did okay for eating yesterday. I didn't count, but I wasn't too interested in food beyond my three main meals and one piece of fudge in the evening. And I had the last little bit of juice straight from the bottle, which I think was less than half a cup. Also, I didn't eat all of my dinner because my tummy got upset while I was eating. So I gave it to G to finish.

I'm hoping to put up our Christmas tree today. I feel like we're very far behind. I don't feel as into Christmas as I normally do, for some reason. I suppose it wouldn't be too hard to hazard a guess as to the reason. I also think I'm frustrated because I have no idea what to get anybody. Well, most people. My mom's pretty easy--she always asks for bubble bath, so I'll probably get her one of those bath gift baskets. But G? No idea, especially for stocking stuffers.

What are good stocking stuffer ideas for men? Anyone?

And my dad--no idea. My brother--no idea. My grandma--no idea. My stepson and his girlfriend--I have an idea, but I'm not sure exactly where to get it. I would leave that one up to G if possible, but then I suspect he'd just get overwhelmed and not bother. He's always the one frantically shopping on Christmas Eve. And that's just for me.

I must go and eat breakfast now.

Would Anyone Like a Cat?

2010-12-09T10:32:00.001-07:00

Because mine won't shut up. >:o( Big sucky. He's mad that I'm typing instead of petting His Royal Majesty.

I'm tired today. I woke up at 5:30 for some reason, and then at 6:30 someone knocked on our door. I had earplugs in, so I heard a noise, but assumed it was just the cats destroying the house, which is commonplace and hardly worth getting out of bed for. :p But my husband got up, so I asked him what he heard. He said someone knocked, and it sounded like they tried to put their key in our lock, but nobody was there when he opened the door. Weird, weird. Maybe somebody was drunk and thought this was their house.

My goat milk fudge came in yesterday. It's lovely; very smooth-tasting. They also sent a little rose-shaped goat milk soap, which was a nice touch. The pumpkin spice one tastes like sugar cookie dough, and the chocolate tastes like, well, chocolate, but it's really good, too. I like it better because it's not quite as sweet. Lucky for me, I'm not too interested in sweets at the moment, but I did have to have a taste. Normally I would have a glass of milk with it, but drinking cow's milk while eating goat milk fudge seems like all kinds of wrong. So I had juice instead. I almost never drink juice. Usually my husband drinks it all before I can, lol. Even if I ask him not to...*ahem*.

It's a good thing right now that I don't feel all that interested in food, but I need it to last. I believe I'm getting a bit...um, let's go with "fluffy," again. I don't want to weigh myself. I was already doing pretty badly, and now my clothes are tight. Not good. I spent the last few weeks (months? the past year?) not really caring all that much, but now I am starting to care again, and I'll have to re-lose a fair bit, I think. *sigh* :o( And during the most difficult month, too. Oh, well. Part of my journey, I suppose. I miss Richard. I need to clean the basement so I have a place to do his DVDs.

Maybe my shiny new book will help me lose weight. I did make it to Chapters to buy my Feeling Good Handbook yesterday. It cost $10 more than my shrink said it would. Hmph. Anyway, it says that it's helped with eating disorders, too (I think bingeing is an eating disorder). Can't hurt. The book, to me, looks like a huge tome whose main message is, "Snap out of it!" but I'm trying to keep an open mind.

I am going to go and have a healthy breakfast of oatmeal now.

The Gremlins Stole My Tinfoil Hat

2010-12-08T10:45:00.001-07:00

Hee! How could I not make that my title today? I had to. I had to do it. :D (It's from a sentence in yesterday's post).

I had to get up and get dressed today (well...almost dressed...pants are totally overrated, in my opinion), to go to the chiropractor. Yes, I will put the overrated item of clothing on before I leave, haha. I kind of have a feeling that maybe I was supposed to go to the chiropractor last week, and got mixed up. It feels like it's been longer than two weeks. But I think they would have called me if I'd done that.

Then maybe I'll go to Chapters, because my psychiatrist keeps pestering me to at least go and look at some book called The Feeling Good Handbook (hey, we have an underline button now! Oh happy day!). She says they use it's concepts in their therapy, and I can get a head start if I go buy it. I wonder if that will fit into her other suggestion that I look for ways to go outside of my comfort zone? She thinks I'm getting a little too comfortable with my routine (mostly staying home, unless I know exactly where I'm going and how to get there. But even then, I'd rather stay home). Apparently that is a mild form of agoraphobia. I suspected that, actually. I joked about it sometimes before. It sounds easy enough to overcome--you just force yourself to go out a little bit to places you would normally avoid, and then a little bit more, etc. See, I don't want to go to Chapters, which probably means that I should make myself go there anyway.

I'm also supposed to go for a short walk twice a week. That's because it's something I used to do, and I pretty much stopped. So it's basically to get me out of the house for a few extra minutes. I did my first weekly one yesterday. It's short--just around the main block (not the one where it's a cul-de-sac except for the footpath that goes through), so the hardest part was making myself do it in the first place. It would be easier if it wasn't icy, but it was okay. Most of the sidewalks were shoveled. So with this, I'll be getting a little bit of exercise at the same time, which is always good.

I have to go now or I'm going to be late.

It's Official

2010-12-07T11:53:00.000-07:00

My psychiatrist said that it sounds like my mom (and brother) are crazy. "I mean actually, mentally crazy," she said. I tried to defend my brother, saying that I felt like he was made that way by my mother, but she shook her head and said something about how they seem to be living in an illusion that they've created for themselves. What could I say to that? They are living in their own little world. She also said that it sounds like it's really scarred me.

This was after I told her how they used to watch my house, and how it made me feel terrorized. At first, I was afraid to tell her about that, thinking I sounded pretty paranoid and delusional myself ("They were watching me," sounds like the next sentence might be, "And then the gremlins stole my tinfoil hat..."). And also at first, she was looking at me like she was considering that as a possibility. But when I explained how my brother used to call me and ask me who was here when he saw an unfamiliar vehicle outside of my house, I guess she realized I'm not the crazy one. Just being driven so by those two. She said they were basically stalking me when they were doing that.

She also referred to my mother as "a very disturbed lady" (ya think?). I told her what happened the last time I talked to my mother, and that it scared me. I mean the way that my anxiety rose to a level where I felt like I couldn't handle it, and I felt like I would break. She asked me what I thought that meant, so I said, "That my mother does bad things to me?" and she said that yes, that's my body's way of telling me that the relationship isn't healthy, and that I should listen to my body. She strongly suggested limiting contact with my mom until I'm stronger. So I'm supposed to try to surround myself with more positive things for the next little while. Like what, I don't know. But apparently, avoidance is good for me right now, for negative things/people.

She doubled my dose of Zoloft, too. I'm a little nervous about this, because it did have some side effects for the first few days (and my stomach's been a little more unsettled ever since), but she said she had me on the lowest dose before just to get my body used to it, and that it had no therapeutic benefit at that dose. I didn't know that until yesterday. So it made sense that it didn't seem to be doing anything beneficial (because it wasn't), but at my new dose, it might make a difference, or it might not. I might have to go up again. I see her again in a month. She also wants me to do group therapy (and possibly some individual), for self-esteem issues and because she wants me to be around normal people. This made my husband laugh because they'll be people in the same boat I'm in, but I guess they're still more normal than my family of origin. And as my dad pointed out (which was beyond enlightened for him), "at least they're trying to get help."

This all feels like a lot of work. Just getting dressed in the morning feels like a lot of work. Needless to say, everything else--my course, my exercise, my food intake--is taking a backseat to this at the moment. It has to. But it sucks. But I'm working on it so that hopefully it doesn't suck anymore in a little while, and I can start concentrating on that other stuff again.

Just Another Manic Monday

2010-12-06T11:08:00.001-07:00

Okay, not really. ;o) But I do actually have a few things I have to do. I should go to the library, and this afternoon I have my second appointment with my psychiatrist. I hope it doesn't take two hours this time, but I don't think it will. And then I guess I'll have to go refill my prescription, since she gave me just enough to get through to my next appointment last time.

I don't think the Zoloft is doing anything other than making my tummy slightly upset (but that's getting better). But then, I think I was told that it can take 4-6 weeks to notice any difference. I can't remember. I'm able to focus for a short time on my textbook sometimes now, so maybe it is helping a bit already, but it's just subtle or something. Or maybe I'm just having a good week. I dunno. I want it to work.

I was talking to my husband about how this felt yesterday, and how strange it is to me. I've never had such a hard time focusing before in my life. But as I was telling him, I realized that what I feel is paralyzed, in a way. Not physically, obviously, or even emotionally, but...mentally, I guess. I feel like I can't do anything. When I try to force myself to do things, I feel exhausted and just want to go to sleep.

Then I realized that I felt like this when my mom and brother were watching my house two summers ago. Oh, wow, that sounds so paranoid, but they actually were. Now they're not even here, and they didn't really do it so much this summer (my brother was stationed to work in a different area of the city--and no, I had nothing to do with that, haha), but that's what the feeling is like, sort of. I mean, not the feeling terrorized (which I did!), but just feeling like I can't do anything. Except that before it was because I was afraid to run into my mother or that my brother would see Sarah at my house and start harassing her again, but now there doesn't seem to be an actual reason. I don't feel afraid (well, except when I start feeling anxious for no apparent reason), just...stuck. Completely stuck. And that's what I don't want to feel anymore.

Anyway, my point is that I wonder if that partly contributed to the depression. I know my back was a large part of it, for sure. That made me feel like I couldn't do anything, because if I moved the wrong way, I could put it out--AGAIN!--and moving the wrong way could be caused by absolutely anything. A sneeze, a cough, reaching for something, standing up the wrong way, sitting down the wrong way...anything. So I have to wonder, because the feeling is so similar, if the issue with my mom and brother contributed to it, too. I'd say probably. And then I think it was just a slow progression with little things piling onto it, until I was like, "Wait a minute...I don't think I'm supposed to feel like this."

I read back in my other blog a few months ago, too, and noticed a HUGE drop in my mood and my outlook in the past couple of years. It was noticeable enough to scare me and contribute to me going to the doctor. One of my friends commented that it seemed very sudden, but it wasn't. It was a long time coming. Hopefully it won't be as long to improve.

Eh...blah, blah, blah, hey? I told you I had no filter. In news more related to the actual point of this blog, I'm having a bit of a hard time with all the Christmas treats that are out now! I love fruitcake, and cookies, and eggnog, and nuts, and chocolates, and festive drinks made with grenadine syrup, and all of that not-so-healthy stuff. So. hard. to. resist! Luckily, I suppose, I also love pomegranates and clementines (shouldn't those be out by now? I still can't find them!). I have two pomegranates that I should bust open for their lovely little jewels. Nom. I want to put our tree up sometime this week, too. I still don't know what to buy anyone for presents. No idea.

ETA: I woke up this morning to find that my wisdom tooth doesn't really hurt too much today. The glands in my neck and some of my muscles (my legs and hips!) still hurt, but I don't feel sick today, either (I did yesterday a little bit). So I guess I'll just roll with it and hope it doesn't develop into anything.

I Need Pliers and Duct Tape

2010-12-04T23:40:00.000-07:00

I seem to have sprouted a shiny new wisdom tooth...um, yesterday. Just like that. It frickin' hurts!!! The only other wisdom tooth I had bobbed up and down for years before it finally came in. Then I had it removed. With this one, only the tip is exposed, I think (it's hard to tell). I'd prefer it to come in more before I have it removed. I think it's easier that way. Last time I got sleep dentistry, and I don't remember much about it except that it was pretty easy. I kept asking the dentist if he was sure he got it all, because he was done so fast. He was a very nice dentist. I like that.

My husband's work Christmas party was tonight. It was kind of fun, except that we went shopping earlier and I started to feel crappy, like I was coming down with a cold or a flu. My arms and shoulders hurt, I couldn't breathe out of my nose, the glands in my neck hurt, and my stomach hurt. Yeah, that's on top of the tooth (actually I think my sinuses are making the tooth hurt more, or maybe it's the other way around). I was falling apart! So I took sinus pills, but I only had nighttime ones, so I was a little sleepy/spacey at the party. But I got to dance a bit, which was fun.

I found that with the meal, I went back for seconds (I was starving! It was like an hour later than it was supposed to be), and then I realized I couldn't eat most of my second plate. Oops. I'm having a more difficult time judging my appetite lately. Some days, I want to eat everything in sight, and other days, I can't eat too much. It's weird. And sometimes, like tonight, I think I want to eat more, and then when it's in front of me I realize I really don't.

I'm still sleepy, and I'm having the hardest time warming up, so I'm going to go and crawl into bed and turn on my heated blankie now. With any luck I'll wake up tomorrow and not feel yucky.

Christmas Time's a Comin'...

2010-12-03T11:00:00.000-07:00

I still don't know what to get anybody for Christmas. Help! Can anybody name some good gift websites? Is it too late to order from a website now? I also don't know what to tell anybody when they ask me what I want. No idea. I want a Wii, but that's too expensive. Anything I want is too expensive, haha.

Yesterday my tummy got kind of upset again later in the day, so I wasn't too hungry again. My friend and I didn't end up watching the movie; we decided to maybe do it Sunday instead. G's work Christmas party is this Saturday. I have nothing to wear.

My mom and my grandma are fighting again, which is upsetting. Sometimes I think it would be best to just cut my family out of my life all together. Harsh, maybe, but I really can't deal with them. Just talking to them at this point makes me overly upset. Maybe I should have cut them out a long time ago. Too bad they live in the Pass. I still like the Pass. But when we've tried to sneak down there secretly, we've always been found out. It's not that big of a place, and my mom and brother constantly drive around, so it's impossible not to pass them on the highway at some point.

Today I feel kind of hungry at the moment, but after I take my medication I probably won't. That's what happened yesterday. It's like it makes me feel like I already ate too much or something, even if I actually haven't eaten anything for hours. Could be worse. ;o)

I'm still looking for funny book ideas, if anyone has any suggestions! I have a few ideas, but I need more.

Ahhhh...relaxed sigh

2010-12-02T11:21:00.001-07:00

Due to a decision I came to and a short conversation I had with my husband this morning, I am feeling MUCH better about Christmas now. What a load off my mind! Now I can concentrate on the fun stuff like buying presents, decorating, and how I should answer the question, "What do you want for Christmas?". :o) Thanks for the good wishes. I think they helped a lot. :o)

I feel much better now than I did when I woke up this morning, that's for sure. I think that was a good thing, though--I think it made me really realize that I need to take care of myself. At first I thought that I felt sick because I ate badly yesterday, which was possibly part of it, but after I made my decision and had the above-mentioned short conversation, I felt instantly better. So I think the biggest part of it was anxiety.

I also realized even more how badly my family affects me. I talked to my mom last night, and I became so anxious and upset that I felt like I was going to lose it. It was pretty scary. She wasn't even being that bad; it's just like she feeds all my anxiety and encourages it until it's out of control or something. I didn't even make that connection until last night. I know for sure that I need to protect myself from them (mostly her and my grandma). My poor brother--he's never going to be able to overcome his own anxiety problems unless he gets away from my mom. But he's responsible for his own life; I can't do it for him. What was that about putting on your own oxygen mask first?

I think my "munchies" are starting to pass. I'm still a little more hungry than I have been (before TOM started), but not as bad as yesterday. I didn't make it swimming last night, unfortunately.

This afternoon I think my friend and I are watching a Harry Potter movie. I think. We're having a little trouble hammering out the details. But that should be fun, anyway. I've also started reading Chapter 10 of my textbook. Yay me!

Title

2010-12-01T11:03:00.001-07:00

By some miracle, I did manage to finish Chapter 9 yesterday. So this means movie night is on. I should start on Chapter 10 today. We were going to have a movie night tonight, but I forgot that I'm supposed to go swimming. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to go or not, but it seems like I will. So movie "night" might be tomorrow afternoon, instead. Here's hoping I can work the Blu-Ray without assistance, lol.

So, who's ready for Christmas? Not me, that's for sure. Every year, I say I want to be ready (have gifts all bought) by December 1st, and every year I fail to do so. *sigh* I have a couple of ideas for my husband. One is something I thought of just after Christmas last year, but it's something that I'd have to have, too, if we were to do this thing together. And I don't have it. Another thing is something I know he wants, but it's WAY more expensive than I thought it would be. I have been saving my PC Points to buy a Wii, which I really, really want, and which I probably have enough for now. But I think my husband wants a different gaming system, and I could put my PC Points towards that, instead. But then they will only pay for about half.

I have no idea what to get my dad. Shopping for him annoys me quite a bit because he pouts if he doesn't feel that enough thought has gone into his gift, and also if it's too "cheap." I prefer to shop for my brother, who usually gets excited about anything anyone gives him. But I don't know what to get him, either. I also have no idea what to get for my mom. Or my grandma. And neither of us have any idea what to get for my stepson and his girlfriend. They did just come and take my husband's computer back (my stepson had given it to him before, but now his girlfriend needs it), so I'm not sure that G's feeling especially generous. He misses his computer, poor guy. Anytime we ask my stepson what he wants, he always says it doesn't matter, anyway. I don't think he cares about gifts too much. That's all we have to buy for; the rest of G's family quit exchanging gifts a few years ago.

I've had the munchies for the last couple of days. I think it's TOM-related, but I'm not sure. My stomach is still occasionally getting upset, most likely due to the medication, but it doesn't last. And I don't feel sick. So it's a little too easy to eat. And to drink eggnog, which G brought home the other day. Mmmm, eggnog. I need to remember what the psychiatrist pointed out when I was worried that the Zoloft would make me want to eat everything in sight--she said, "Just remember that you'll still only gain what you put in your mouth." In other words, even if I have cravings, I don't have to eat. It's hard, though. Everything's nummy. :o\

Well, at least I plan to go swimming tonight, so that can't hurt.

Damn Winter!

2010-11-30T10:15:00.000-07:00

I don't think I like winter. I thought I did because I like the cold (I have my frozen Canadian soul to thank for that, I think), but I've since decided that this whole "snow" thing is a bit much. And I don't particularly like that whole "gray sky" thing, either. I think it's about the same temperature as it was yesterday, but it feels colder because yesterday was sunny and today is very dull.

Okay, that was my daily whine about the weather. I'm done now.

I feel like I have a ton of stuff to do today. I don't, really, but I feel like I do. I have to read my textbook, which is probably the biggest thing. The rest is just stuff I don't want to do. Paperwork to see if I can get some sort of accomodation for my course, since I'm having such a hard time concentrating still. Seriously, it takes me all day to read two pages. It's ridiculous. I'm going to try to beat that today and finish Chapter 9. I have just over four pages to go. Wish me luck! I also want to read a good portion of my library book. I want to finish my self-imposed book list that I was supposed to finish in October (also self-imposed), so I can start on a list of funny books to get me through the next year. I'm close to the end.

Thank you to my two commentors of yesterday who hope I have a good Christmas in spite of my dreading it. I appreciate it. I feel like I scared a few readers off with my ramblings about my anxiety, depression, and the medication to offset such. Oh well. I'm an open book. Also I have no filter. Take it or leave it. Thank you to the people who stick around anyway. :o)

I ate more yesterday than I have been lately. It's the first day I've gained a bit from one day to the next. But I still don't think I necessarily went over my calories. I just think I got close to them. Maybe I went over; I don't know. So far, I don't feel as hungry today, although I won't complain when lunch rolls around. But that's mostly because it's my favourite meal--pork chops and cream of mushroom rice. And salad, of course. Mmmm.

I'm going to go and try to read something now.

Uh-Oh

2010-11-29T11:19:00.001-07:00

I'm feeling pretty hungry today. I hope that doesn't mean my free ride as far as a reduced appetite is over. Noooooooo!!! It is TOM week, so maybe that's it. I hope, I hope, I hope...

I don't know what I'm having for lunch. Movie snacks last night were grocery store sushi (Sobey's isn't bad), Crunch & Munch, Ferrero Rocher's, frozen Chinese appetizers (pot stickers, shrimp rangoons, and something else that I don't know the name of), and wasabi-soy almonds. I could work a lunch from that, except that the sushi is all dried out. It was put in the fridge uncovered overnight. Oops. The appetizers are all gone. Basically all that's left are the chocolates and the almonds. So I can't work a lunch from that after all. I guess I'll have to go get fresh sushi. :D

My dad told me yesterday that now Ana doesn't think she'll be able to make it for Christmas, after all. I'm very disappointed. But he says she's still coming at some point. I wonder if Ana likes sushi? I doubt it.

I just started thinking about Christmas, and got all depressed again. Not just because Ana's not coming, but for many reasons, none of which I want to go into here. Suffice it to say that I'm dreading it.

Weekend

2010-11-28T21:58:00.001-07:00

Well, I wasn't really into blogging this weekend, but I guess I did all right. I weigh less now than I did this morning, which is less than I weighed last week. I wonder how long my lessened appetite will last? Forever would be nice...this is a lot like what I was like when I was young and skinny. Which I was for longer than I've been heavy.

I am so thirsty. I'm trying to drink more water, but we have one of those Brita filters that you attach to your tap, and the light has gone out in ours. This means that we can't tell if it's time to change it or not. I think it's been tasting a bit off lately, and my stomach's been upset the way that it gets when it's time to get a new water bottle. But that's more likely to be the medication, I think. Our unfiltered water from the tap tastes terrible, but I don't think it would make anyone sick.

Speaking of Calgary's water, it tastes just fine at my friend's house. It tastes really good, actually. No water filters or anything. I think maybe the problem is our pipes.

Anyway, I didn't have too much to blog about. Yesterday we went to the big new mall and walked FOREVER! I bet I burned at least 500 calories. It takes about an hour or more to do one loop. It's insane. It never ends! We bought a memory foam bath mat. Mischief likes it. I think he thinks we bought it just for him. ;o)

Tonight, my friend Lindsay and I had a movie night to catch her up on Harry Potter so that we can watch the newest one. We watched Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire tonight. It was fun. We were supposed to crochet as well, but we didn't. But we did look through about half of my grandma's old crochet magazines that I have. I've lost a bunch of my crochet stuff. I blame G--he moves all my stuff around with reckless abandon. And then pieces get lost. Meanie. Of course, I've been working on the same wall hanging since I was 17, so...I guess some of it's bound to get lost in 15 years. Holy crap, it's been 15 years. Yikes. I feel old. *sigh* :o(

This is the friend who's taking the same course I am. Now we have a deal that if I finish reading Chapter 9 of my textbook by Wednesday, she's coming back that day to watch the next Harry Potter. And once we're done catching up on Harry Potter, she doesn't think she's ever seen Thelma & Louise. So we have 3 goals so far. But Wednesday is the only one that's set. She has no sympathy for my inability to concentrate, because she's a chapter ahead of me and says she can't remember what she's read, anyway. And 'cause she's a slave driver. :p

Off to find out if she's ever seen Jurassic Park...

Yawn

2010-11-26T10:11:00.000-07:00

My dad woke me up to come and use my internet this morning. Oh well, I suppose it was time I got up anyway.

Yesterday my stepson offered to take us out for Korean. He said that's our Christmas present. So that was nice of him. It fit in nicely with my lazy ways of yesterday. I didn't eat that much, but I'm still the same weight I was yesterday, so maybe I ate more than I thought. At first I wasn't hungry, and then when they brought out the food I found I was starving, and then I got full really quick. I didn't even finish half of my rice. I usually finish it AND want more! I want more of all of it now, lol. Mmmm, Korean. Nom.

I was excited to get a Dealfind coupon for Oceana restaurant the other day. I've wanted to go there for years, but I get cheap. So this is great. I especially like that you have about a year to use them. Now I'm telling myself that unless the deal is for one of two other restaurants I really want to try, I am not buying it! Not for awhile, anyway. Oooh, unless it's for a sushi place. Heh. I just thought of that.

I'm having trouble drinking water for some reason lately. I can barely manage one bottle a day. I'm going to shrivel up and die if I don't get more water into me, but I don't usually feel too thirsty. Or my tummy's a little upset and I don't want anything. I bought some Powerade yesterday, which helps because the sweet taste helps me drink it, and the electrolytes always make me feel a bit stronger (I've been feeling a bit weak...probably from being dehydrated, I'd guess). I miss my water, though. My body wants it, but my mouth doesn't. I want it now, so I guess I'll take advantage while it lasts.

Oooh, Positively Balmy!

2010-11-25T11:10:00.001-07:00

It's 0°C today! That's downright hot compared to the last few days. :o) I might be brave enough to open the door and get the mail today. I've been avoiding it for awhile because it was SO!!!COLD!!!

Let's see, what's new? I seem to be tolerating my medication okay so far. My only real problem is that I keep worrying about developing some weird side effect. But if I was going to, it probably would have happened already. I feel pretty good today. Yesterday I felt really cranky in the evening.

I'm still not too hungry. I just don't think about food constantly like I normally do. Also, when I do eat, I don't want that much. I want this to last! :-D Yesterday I was going to have a snack after dinner, and I grabbed my box of Swiss cheese crackers, and then I thought, "Nah," and put them back. I did have a chocolate, but only one, even though I also have a package of cookies that I could have had for sweets. And of course I had some grapes as a bedtime snack.

I don't know what my calories were yesterday, but I suspect they were quite reasonable. I had scaled-back oatmeal (30 g instead of 40 g) and peanut butter for breakfast, sushi for lunch (the combo, which is usually too small for me to feel satisfied, but yesterday I had to take a break from eating it for awhile before I could finish it), and spaghetti for dinner--one bowl, no seconds, and not a huge serving. Of course I had romano on it. And then one chocolate and the grapes. That was it, all day. I am happy with this. I SO want it to last!!!

I don't know what I'm going to have for dinner tonight. I feel lazy. Maybe I'll get Mexican if I have enough grocery money left. It's payday tomorrow and I never did do much grocery shopping. Mmmm, Mexican. :o)

"Only" -24 Today

2010-11-24T09:38:00.000-07:00

Positively balmy out there, it is. I thought it was supposed to get significantly warmer today, and even more so for the rest of the week? Ah, well, it's early yet. Although yesterday it just got colder later in the morning--our "second coldest place on Earth" weather happened around 11:00 a.m.

Sooo...so far, not too bad as far as side effects. I had a rough patch yesterday afternoon/evening that lasted for about an hour and a half where my tummy was very upset and everything bothered me to the point that I went to bed at 4:30 (in the afternoon!) and stared off into space for awhile (which helped). I had some trouble falling asleep last night, but I eventually did. I'm a bit nervous to take the second dose, but it's entirely possible that I'm just freaking myself out. I'm going to try not to think about it until I get back from the chiropractor. I did wake up feeling anxious this morning, and my heart rate was a bit high so I took something to bring it down. It wasn't as high as the Celexa made it, though, so I don't think it's enough to get too concerned about yet, unless it gets worse. I guess if I'm freaking myself out, that could probably make it go up.

Once again, I've lost my appetite. I had my afternoon snack plate and got the upset tummy soon afterward. I managed to stop the problem after awhile with my trusty little tummy meds. I ate some Chinese food (it was all I had) later at night for dinner, but I only took a little bit and I still couldn't eat it all. It made me feel the same way I did as a kid when I felt like there was too much food on my plate--hopeless, annoyed and completely turned off. I did NOT like to eat when I was a kid (I often wonder what the hell happened?!). So last night, I just took a few bites and then I gave it to my husband as soon as the gnawing feeling of hunger went away.

I also found myself wondering just what exactly it is I normally like about chow mein. It didn't seem all that appealing to me last night when I was eating it. It's all sort of gluey, isn't it? That and the pork dumplings both. Yuck. Then I had some grapes later, but then I forgot about them and brushed my teeth, so I didn't finish those, either.

I don't mind the side effect of not wanting to eat--in fact, I welcome it--but again, that was one of the side effects of the Celexa for me. It's not a normal side effect of these types of pills--that much I know. I really couldn't stand to put anything into my mouth but plums and fruit juice with the Celexa, although I managed a tiny bit of Thanksgiving dinner the last day I was on them. It's not as intense now, though--I could eat, I just don't want to. If I have to eat, all I want is grapes. Is this the plum thing all over again?! Mmmm, I wish I had some of those plums now, haha.

I'm not sure if I should count today or not. I'm positive that I won't be getting anywhere near 2000 calories, but maybe I should at least try to make sure I make it to 1200. I didn't quite make it there yesterday. Close, though.

The Second Coldest Place on Earth?

2010-11-23T21:19:00.001-07:00

Apparently that's what Calgary was today, just 9 degrees warmer than the coldest area of Antarctica. Of course, it's summer in Antarctica at the moment. But still. I knew it was bloody cold out this morning. I was wearing gloves and it felt like I wasn't. My fingers hurt when I got inside.

Brrr.

EDIT: Now I hear it wasn't true: Sundre, Rocky Mountain House, and Banff were apparently colder. We were right up there among the coldest places, though!

Today I Learned...

2010-11-23T14:00:00.002-07:00

that my biggest problem is probably anxiety
that she (the psychiatrist) thinks I have PMDD rather than just plain ol' PMS. Antidepressants should help with that, too.
that I don't have what she would consider full-blown panic attacks. S'funny, that's what they feel like to me, but I'm not sure I explained myself well enough in that regard.
that antidepressants shouldn't make me gain more than around 5 lbs, if anything.
that the reaction I had to Celexa was quite bizarre, indeed.

So she prescribed me Zoloft this time. Here's hoping it doesn't do bad things to me like the Celexa did. I took my first one this morning. I'm not supposed to read anything about side effects online, or even the pamphlet that should have come with the prescription (I told them not to give it to me), because it will probably just make me, well...anxious. I go back to see her in two weeks. She wants me to do some sort of therapy, too, but I don't know much about it yet.

I really, really hope this works. I want to feel normal. Part of me is worried that I won't recognize normal if it happens, lol. Maybe I'll be able to clean the house and read my textbook again one of these days. It would be nice to finish my course. I'm afraid to have high hopes.

Anyway, I skipped breakfast because I didn't realize I'd be there for 2 hours, so I had an early lunch, and I'm thinking maybe a snack plate will do later in the afternoon to tide me over before dinner. I got some lovely goat cheese yesterday that will make a nice snack plate component. :o) I love goat milk products. I may or may not have bought some goat milk fudge off of Etsy yesterday. Shhh! Don't judge me--I couldn't resist. I mean one of the flavours was pumpkin spice (the other was chocolate), and they use the goat milk from their own goats, saying that it makes it really smooth and has a milder flavour than you'd get if you bought goat milk in a store. They also refer to the goats as "our girls," which makes me think those are probably some pretty well-loved animals. They sell soaps and stuff, too.

You'll be happy to know that I'm going to stop rambling now.

Calories Today:

1 pork chop "finger"-274
1/4 pot COM rice-225
salad-20 (I actually didn't eat this yet...but I think I will soon)

30 g goat cheese-80
30 g sausage-60
19 g Swiss cheese crackers-90
1 Ferrero Rocher-73

maybe 1/2 c. chow mein?-119
1.5 pork dumplings-122
~15 red grapes-51

Running Total: 1114
Left for Today:886

Water: 24/120 oz.

Exercise:

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas...

2010-11-22T10:31:00.004-07:00

Except it can warm up now please. And some blue sky would be nice, even if the cold isn't willing to go away. It's still -20°C, and it's supposed to stay that way for the next day or two, warming up slightly on Wednesday, a little more on Thursday, and perhaps reaching +1 by Friday. But yesterday the forecast was saying that it would be +1 by Wednesday, so it's getting pushed back. I'll believe it when I see it.

I hope my car starts tomorrow. I should go out and sweep it off, see if it will start, and feed it some gas today. Tomorrow is my psychiatrist appointment. I'm back to being terrified. All the antidepressants/antianxiety meds I've ever tried that did NOT make me feel like I was going to die, turned me into a ravenous zombie locust instead (I believe I've mentioned this before). I wonder if that ever goes away, if it's a side effect. I never took them long enough to find out. Does anyone know? But since the reaction to the Celexa, I'm irrationally terrified that they're all going to give me giant panic attacks. This is extra silly because Penicillin gives me even worse panic attacks (among other horrible things) and I'm not afraid of every other antibiotic because of it.

It's the "ravenous" part of the ravenous zombie locust thing that bothers me the most. I don't want to pack it on (more) because a medication causes me to want to eat everything in sight. Not having even less energy than I do now would be nice, too, though. I guess I'll have to cross this bridge when and if I come to it.

I discovered Etsy yesterday. I mean, I've heard of it before, but I got sucked into it yesterday. It's fun in there. ;o) I'm hoping to be able to do some Christmas shopping from there, but I keep finding stuff I want, lol.

I don't think I mentioned it here yet, but my Dad's friend Ana is supposed to be coming to visit us from Spain this year. He says she intends to get here before Christmas. I'm excited. I like Ana. :o) I think she and my dad should get married (although she could probably do better, mwahahahaha!). :-D

Calories Today:

30 g oatmeal-113
1 T brown sugar-34
~1/4 c. 1% milk-28
12 g light peanut butter-64

1.5 c. chow mein-356
3 pork dumplings-245
maybe 50 g ginger beef?-112

1 mini honey mandarin orange (no clementines yet :o( )-13

1 peanut 7-11 butter fudge cookie-70(?)

1 pork chop "finger"-274
1/4 pot COM rice-225
salad-20

30 g goat cheese-80
19 g Swiss cheese crackers-90
1 oatmeal chocolate chip cookie-70
1 Ferrero Rocher-73
3/4 c. 1% milk-83

Running Total: 1950
Left for Today: 50

Water: 48/120 oz.

Exercise:

How-To Help

2010-11-21T13:29:00.000-07:00

Does anyone know how to get rid of or at least change those "reactions" buttons at the bottom of posts? I kind of put them there by accident. When they first came out, my mouse was right over the button and I clicked on it without reading it. Oops. Now I can't figure out how to get rid of them.

Tahiti?

2010-11-20T16:39:00.005-07:00

Perhaps I shall move there. 'Tis far too cold for me here. :o/ I was out earlier today, and while it is supposed to be -17°C, it feels more like -22 or something to me! I don't know if one can tell the difference when it gets that cold...maybe there's a windchill factor. Even my house is freezing, no matter what I do. I get some relief if I crawl into bed and turn my electric blankie on full blast. Brrr! I'm so cold!!!

Perhaps we should have waited until now to visit New Orleans...

A couple of days ago, I was shivering from being so cold, and then I don't know if something started bothering me or what, but it turned into a panic attack. I'm shivering from the cold right now, so I hope that doesn't happen this time.

So...3 days until I get to see a shrink. At this point I'm more afraid of not being on something than of being on something. Yep, it's that bad. I just don't want to have another reaction. That was pretty crappy.

I realized I haven't mentioned this yet--I haven't heard back from the doctor about my echocardiogram, so I'm assuming no news is good news and that my heart is fine. So that's good. I really think I would have heard by now if it wasn't. I still haven't gone back in for my other test results since they called me, so I guess I should do that and then I can find out for sure. Anyway, this probably means I can start doing weights again. Now I've almost forgotten what I was doing before. Maybe I shouldn't be adding more things to think about right now, though. I don't know. I've been toying with the idea of taking a short break from blogging, but I don't know if that will actually help anything. We'll see.

I'm not counting today; just trying to not eat too much. Too cold to move.

Brrr!

2010-11-19T11:15:00.002-07:00

It's -20°C today. Yuck! I feel the urge to hibernate.

So...I had an "interesting" conversation with my friend yesterday. I can't really go into details because, well, the walls have ears, you know? But the gist of it was that there was something I used to do a long time ago, and it's a large part of the reason that a certain person that I have to deal with occasionally, really doesn't like me. And my friend said it used to annoy her, too.

Here's the problem I'm having with it: First of all, I don't remember doing it. At all. Honestly, I can't imagine doing it. So I asked my husband (it was something I asked him to do for me, apparently), and he said that yes, I did, but not as often as my friend said I did, that it happened just a few times, and that it wasn't something that really bothered him. The other problem I'm having with it is that I find it to be a strange thing to ask for, unless I was sick or something. I kind of feel like something that maybe should have been a red flag back then was instead used as a reason to tear me down and gossip about what a ne'er do well I was. I feel really weird about it.

Anyway, I'm not sure what to do with that. Just kind of had to get it out.

In other news, I'm trying to get a handle on the housecleaning so that we can hopefully keep it that way through Christmas. I get so overwhelmed that I usually don't get very far with it. I have my little oasis in one corner of the kitchen where I can manage to keep it pretty clean, but the rest of the house, I have no idea. We have too much crap! I wanted to do one room a day, like this: Monday-kitchen; Tuesday-living room; Wednesday-bathroom; Thursday-bedroom; Friday-I never did figure that one out. Downstairs, maybe? There's not much point in doing the downstairs until my husband puts the parts of the ceiling back up that he had to tear down to run the cable to the opposite corner of the living room when we rearranged our furniture. Anyway, I had big plans, but I only did a little here and there. Maybe I need to make those baby steps even smaller.

Perhaps when the downstairs is put back together again, I can resume partying with Richard. I miss partying with Richard. Guaranteed to cheer a person up, he is.

Speaking of cheering up, I might as well start asking this now--I need recommendations for FUNNY books. I'm almost at the end of my yearly reading list (which I was supposed to finish in October according to my self-imposed schedule). A few of those books were downright depressing, which, well...doesn't help matters at the moment, you know? So I'm looking for fun, happy, funny books. The sort of thing I have in mind is like Bridget Jones's Diary (funny!), a series like Enchanted, Inc. (light and fun)...stuff like that. I am cool with fluff. ;o) Sooo, any suggestions?

Calories Today:

1/2 chicken burrito-500

1/4 pot COM rice-220
135 g salt & pepper dry ribs-258 (I think this is the calories)

Running Total: 978
Left for Today: 1022

Water: 48/120 oz.

Exercise:

Anniversary Pics

2010-11-18T10:41:00.000-07:00

My husband took me to Jacqueline’s Bistro for our anniversary dinner. Oddly, because I thought I was up on all the fine dining spots that exist in Calgary, I had never heard of it before.

For starters, we had crab cakes (I forgot to take a picture until we had eaten half of them…oops). The menu says they come with a Cajun basil aioli, but the sauce that came with ours was sweet, so I don’t think that’s what it was. The crab cakes were good, but the sauce kind of tasted like spicy Thousand Island dressing:

We also got bruschetta, because we can’t see it on a menu and NOT order it! It was really good:

My husband got the day’s special--beef tenderloin with hollandaise sauce. I had a bite—it was GOOD!:

I wanted the goat-cheese stuffed chicken breast that was on the online menu, but their menu has recently changed. So I got the Tequila Lime chicken, instead. It was good…maybe a little dry. I think I should have gotten the tenderloin, too. I chose barley risotto as my side dish, and it was delicious. I wish there had been more. It had a hint of lemon to it, but that’s all I could identify. It was really good!:

My husband:

Us together. This picture was taken in a rush because the camera batteries were almost dead!

Because of the camera batteries, I wasn’t able to get pictures of our desserts. I got the ginger cake, and G got the carrot and cranberry cake. Mine was good, but it was SO dark! It looked like a dark chocolate cake. I thought it had too much ginger, but G said what he tasted was too much molasses. I generally don’t like carrot cake, but the cranberries made it really good and we ended up switching.

So that was our anniversary dinner. I liked it. Pity the weather wasn’t better, but that’s what I get for getting married in November.

That place has a brunch, which I want to go to now because their hollandaise sauce was so very good!

I ate my leftovers for breakfast. About 1/4 cup of risotto and maybe 1/3 of a chicken breast. I’m still hungry, but I don’t know how to count it. No idea. I also don’t know what I’m having for lunch. I want sushi, but that takes a lot of work with all this snow! Plus I had it yesterday. Hmmm…

Today Is My 3rd Anniversary

2010-11-17T09:07:00.003-07:00

I know we're going out for dinner tonight, but I don't know where. I have nothing to wear!!! Wah! Sadly, the dress I wore last year would most likely not fit me this year. I feel unhappy with myself about that. Nothing I can do but re-lose what I need to, though.

EDIT: Never mind--I feel better now.

I also feel like I'm starving. It feels like all that...last night stuff...used a lot of energy. I want to eat my lunch, but if I do that, then...I won't have anything for lunch. And that wouldn't be very good, now, would it? (EDIT: My husband took his lunch! That evil bastard! I was totally going to steal it! (It was leftover pork chops that he forgot yesterday). Hmph. So I don't have anything for lunch anyway, then. How dare he take his lunch when I had thieving and nefarious plans for it!? Guess I'm getting sushi).

We were pretty lucky with the weather up until a couple of days ago. Now it's snowing and very cold. I was hoping the nicer weather would hold out until after our anniversary, but no such luck. I mostly always hope that because dressing up usually means heels, and heels + ice = scary!

I have to go find something to wear now...

Calories Today:

2 eggs + 1/4 c. skim milk-163

dynamite roll-370
California roll-200
2 salmon nigiri-84 Sushi fixes everything. ;o)

3 peanut butter cups-260 (I probably shouldn't have eaten this...)
3/4 c. 1% milk-83

Running Total: 1160
Left for Today: 840

Water: 24/120 oz.

Note to Self: No Gingerbread Lattes Before Bed

2010-11-16T11:23:00.002-07:00

Because then I can't sleep. And then when I do sleep, I have weird dreams involving fiberglass dinosaurs from Flintstone Village flying through the air, trying to help some guys in San Francisco get to the Golden Gate bridge and then back to the zoo (where the fibergass dinosaur was being sent, of course), and being the CEO of Disney, where I had a mechanical bed that was designed to force me to move in the way that the designers figured Mickey Mouse would move (if he was real), when getting up in the morning. But only on days when I had a business trip. This was all the same bizarre dream, by the way. I'm pretty sure I woke up making a pedaling motion with my legs.

*ahem* Anyway. This may or may not be a good place to say that I have gotten the psychiatrist appointment, and it is next Tuesday. I am ~~scared~~ terrified of medication now, after the Celexa thing, but I also don't want to be anxious and depressed and sent into a downward spiral by stupid things that shouldn't matter, either. But I also don't want to gain more weight due to a medication. Eeek, it's all very scary.

I managed to stay under 2000 calories yesterday, so I'm pleased with that. One day at a time.

My gingerbread latte was the result of getting together with my friend at Second Cup last night. It was nice to see her; it's been awhile. Next time maybe I'll have hot chocolate if it's night time. ;o) I'm not sure I'm the best company these days, though. Probably not. But she didn't seem to mind.

I have to go eat an early lunch now, since I didn't eat breakfast. Bad me!

Calories Today:

2 pork chop "fingers"-462
1/4 pot COM rice-220

2 (smallish) bowls of spaghetti-1000
a little too much romano-280 (eep!)

3/4 c. 1% milk-83
chunk of sausage-100
2 peanut butter cups-180

Running Total: 2325
Left for Today:-325 (crap! I really thought I did okay. That's what I get for not counting BEFORE I eat stuff! Someday I'll learn)

Water: 48/120 oz.

Exercise:

:o\

2010-11-15T10:51:00.004-07:00

Wellllll...I didn't feel like blogging this weekend. So I didn't. I wasn't exactly on my best behaviour, though, so I intend to make up for it this week. Starting today.

We watched a movie on Saturday night (I think...maybe it was Friday) that I rented from the library, called "Serious Moonlight." It had Meg Ryan and Kristen Bell. I had never heard of it before. It actually wasn't bad, but most of the movie took place in a bathroom (you'd have to see it...). And then the ending left me wondering what would have happened next.

I bought a Christmas present today through Teambuy for my husband. It's for an introductory scuba diving course. I hope he likes it. I was going to get one for my brother as well, but it has all these medical questions that are all supposed to be answered "no," and one of them is whether you've ever had ear surgery. And he has had a couple of ear surgeries in the past, so I don't know if he'd be able to do it. I can't do it myself because of a whole bunch of reasons--high blood pressure, back pain, claustrophobia and panic attacks, to name a few that I saw on the form with the questions.

Speaking of panic attacks, I took a tranquilizer last night because something was bothering me (something that really is not important at all, but I couldn't sleep). I probably haven't taken one for a week or more. Then this morning about 6:30, I woke up feeling nervous. Not panicky, just nervous. But it was odd. I know that sometimes your body can switch how it's affected by medications, and they can do the opposite of what they're supposed to. So I'm wondering if that's what happened, although it was about 6 hours later and it made me calmer at first. Maybe it just wore off, I don't know. I did have a dream about seeing the psychiatrist and being prescribed medication for depression right before I woke up, though (which I am TERRIFIED of after the Celexa debacle!), so maybe that's what made me nervous. I know it's coming. :o/

Anyway, on to happier things: My anniversary is this week (Wednesday). My husband has chosen a restaurant, but won't tell me what it is unless I really want to know, and I'm not sure I do. ;o) And then on Friday the new Harry Potter movie comes out! It's gonna be an exciting week. I don't think I'm going to want to go to Harry Potter until it's been out for awhile, though. I don't want to fight the crowds. But I'm still excited about seeing it. :o)

Calories Today:

30 g oatmeal-113
1/2 T brown sugar-17
1.5 T 1% milk-10

1.5 c. creamy Philly rose penne-449
35 g romano- 140

2 chocolate chip cookies-262
3/4 c. 1% milk-83

1 pork chop "finger"-231
1/4 pot COM rice-220
salad-20

1 chocolate chip cookie-131

@Second Cup:
small gingerbread latte-270

Running Total: 1946
Left for Today: 54

Water: 72/120 oz.

Exercise:

What a Day...Already

2010-11-12T09:59:00.003-07:00

I woke up this morning feeling like crap. This may be partially because I sort of...did not do well last night. You know that thing where you screwed up anyway, so you figure you might as well really screw up? Yeah, I did that. And I did much of it with assorted dairy products. (I went shopping yesterday). Ugh. So that was a mistake. I feel a little better now, but still...ugh. My sinuses also hurt today.

I have to wonder why I would do that to myself. I wouldn't do to a friend what I do to myself, so does that mean I hate myself, or what? I don't want to...and yet I sometimes act like I do. I have a very self-destructive streak that I don't like.

Then this morning I heard that my friend is going through a tough situation, so I feel bad for her. It sucks. I also know that she's going through some of the same things that I'm going through, and to have what happened today on top of it would, I think, probably make it that much worse. I know it would if it was me, anyway.

Anyway, moving on to different things...

I had a dream this morning where there was a cougar in the tree in front of my window (there is, in fact, a tree--but no cougar that I'm aware of--in front of my window, but in the dream the tree was close enough for the branches to touch the window, whereas in reality it's quite a bit further away). At least, I think it was supposed to be a cougar. So anyway, I looked up what dreams about cougars might mean, and got this (from here):

Cougar

To see a cougar in your dream, symbolizes wild beauty, power, grace, and raw emotion. It often refers to feminine power and aggression. Thus, the dream may represent a woman. Alternatively, it indicates lurking danger and death.

Goodness, I hope it's the first part and not the second! I don't really put much stock in dream meanings, but I do find them interesting.

Today's plan is to NOT do anything like I did yesterday. No shopping and buying junk, no throwing my weight loss efforts out the window "just for today," etc. Here's hoping I can actually do it. I've done it before; I can do it again, right? Right.

Calories Today:

40 g oatmeal-150
1 T brown sugar-34
1/4 c. 1% milk-28
15 g peanut butter-80

1/4 pan cabbage roll casserole-386

Running Total: 678
Left for Today: 1322

Water: 24/120 oz.

Exercise:

Hah!

2010-11-11T11:59:00.004-07:00

Someone from canada.com left a comment on my last post. Pffft! I have no reason to visit the site again now that my email address there is gone. Everything else was secondary to that, as far as I'm concerned.

Petty? Perhaps. Oh, well. Just had to get that off my chest. It's much better than what I had originally written. ;o) Yes, I'm still angry about the whole situation. Moving on...

I just ate breakfast maybe an hour ago, but I'm starving again. I went swimming last night; maybe that's it.

Oh, before I forget (again!): Thanks to all who commented with suggestions for dealing with cravings a couple of days ago. This is odd, but I find that if I don't have (drinkable) milk in the house, I usually eat less. I think this is because I like to drink milk with all my snacks. So I've been keeping reconstituted powdered milk for cooking for the past few days, but I don't like to drink it, so I haven't been. I like milk, though, and I miss it. :o( But it doesn't like me, so maybe it's for the best. One more question: I've been craving ricotta lately. Do you think that's something that's "safe" to snack on in the evening, or something to be avoided? I know at least one of you avoided sugary treats, but what about something like ricotta? Cheese doesn't seem to bother my stomach like plain milk does.

You know how I said I went swimming yesterday? Yeah...I was an hour early. I had it in my head that I had to leave after The Big Bang Theory, so I did...but it's on both at 6:30, and 7:30, and I was supposed to leave after the 7:30 one. I left after the 6:30 one. So not only was I super early, but I missed the 7:30 show! I think I had teh dumbz last night. I even wrote my friend and was like, "Um, where are you? I thought we were going swimming," to which she informed me that it wasn't time yet. But she came earlier, so that was nice of her. I thought the schedule had changed because it was so busy when I got there! LOL

I'm going to stop babbling now. Just to note: I know it's Remembrance Day, but it has nothing to do with what my blog is about, so I skip all the admonitions to people to remember on here. I'm pretty sure I did the same thing last year and the year before, as well. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you. ;o)

Calories Today:

40 g oatmeal-150
1 T brown sugar-34
1/4 c. skim milk-23

110 g spaghetti-388
~1/2 c. meat sauce-112
40 g romano-160

26 g marble cheese (2 slices)-104
50 g Zesty Taco chips-260
30 g ham & garlic sausage-60
3/4 c. 1% milk-83

1/4 pan cabbage roll casserole-386

Running Total: 1760
Left for Today: 240

Water: 24/120 oz.

Exercise:

Grumble

2010-11-10T09:42:00.003-07:00

Yes, I'm grumbling again. What of it? *she says crankily*

Canada.com has decided to discontinue their email platform. This means that the email address I've used for just about everything for over 10 years, is going to be kaput next month. So it's a bit of a scramble for me to make sure everything gets moved over to gmail. At least that part's fairly easy. The thing is, I really, really liked having the address "lainey@canada.com." Because I had it for so long, no other email providers have just plain "lainey@whatever" available anymore. None that I can find/trust, anyway. Sucks. Plus, I don't much like change.

I know there are bigger problems out there, but perhaps because I'm already in a bit of a precarious position mood-wise, this didn't help. Also, I have two different gmail accounts--one is just for surveys, and the other is new and where I've sent all my canada.com emails. But I'm thinking maybe I should have just made my survey email my main email account. I don't know. As it is, I have to log out and in again when I want to use a different one. The survey one is connected to my blog, because I had it first. I guess I have lots of time to figure that out, though.

Hmmm, maybe I'll switch my main email to yahoo instead...I like the look of it better. Think that's safe? Or do you think they'll eventually go the way of the dodo bird like canada.com?

It could be just that I'm cranky anyway, but I also feel angry about certain things. I don't know if they're legitimate or if I'm just being unreasonable. I suspect that if I posted what they were (which I don't want to do), I'd be told that I'm probably being unreasonable. That's what I suspect. So maybe that's my answer. Or maybe certain things are unreasonable, and certain things are legitimate. It's hard to live inside my head sometimes. >:o(

The counselling orientation went all right last night. I got a folder full of information to take home. I haven't looked at it all yet.

Unfortunately, yesterday I went over my calories without meaning to at all. The trip to Denny's, although it didn't seem too bad at the time, did me in. As did the chocolate cherries, but if I hadn't gone to Denny's, they wouldn't have mattered so much, you know? Today I'm going to try to keep better track so that I don't go over by accident.

Calories Today:

dynamite roll-370
California roll-200
2 salmon nigiri-84

1 cherry chocolate-70

2 small-ish pasta bowls worth of spaghetti-1000
~50 g romano-200

1 cherry chocolate-70

Running Total: 1994
Left for Today: 6

Water: 48/120 oz.

Exercise:

Round Two

2010-11-09T10:44:00.004-07:00

Yesterday, what I wrote down as my food intake was ALL my food intake, and it was under 2000! Woo-hoo! Now to keep that sort of thing up. I need more fresh foods in my diet; too bad they all go bad so fast.

I am having, erm, "issues" that are very concerning to me. Issues like something that's supposed to stop, is not stopping. I've had this problem before, and it's the reason I am on bcp, but if those don't work anymore, I don't know what I can do. It's scary. :o( I understand that losing weight has a chance (but is not guaranteed) to help with this sort of thing. I wonder if the weight I've gained back caused it? I doubt it, because the treatment's been working for years now, but you never know. I also understand that it can be connected to insulin resistance somehow, but I don't know the details.

My "round two" of counselling orientation is tonight. Then I'll be ready to go if the shrink says I need it, which I hope s/he does. If I ever get in to see said shrink, that is. Perhaps my choice of blog name was a sign of things to come. Now it has a double meaning, haha. They have good cookies there. Well, they have one type of that's good (lemon cranberry, I think), and one type that sucks (chocolate chip--they did it wrong). I might have one of the good ones--shhh! Just one. ;o) I'll save room. At least I know where the place is this time.

I will be missing out on a get-together for a friend-making Facebook group for women because of my orientation. I wanted to go, but I will have no time to eat if I do. Plust it's downtown. I hate downtown. This makes me sad. Hopefully there will be another one soon. It's a different group than the one I had events with before.

I managed to read two whole pages of my textbook last night. I'm going to try and read a bit more today. It was definitely harder than it normally is for me to concentrate, and I had to kind of take it sentence by sentence. Hopefully it gets easier.

Calories Today:

2 eggs + 1/4 c. skim milk-163

1 pork chop "finger"-252
1/4 pot COM rice-220
salad-20

1 Smarties ball-180
1 chocolate cherry-70

@Denny's:

2 gingerbread pancake puppies-130
biscuit w/bit of butter and packet of jam-260(!)

My brother agrees that my mother is a diet saboteur.

lemon-cranberry cookie-130(totally guessing)

~1.5 c. creamy Philly rose penne-435
40 g romano-160

5 cherry chocolates (oops)-350

Running Total: 2370
Left for Today: -370 Eeep...

Water: 72/120 oz.

Exercise:

Ugly...

2010-11-08T09:33:00.006-07:00

I've changed my comment policy so that anonymous users may not comment any longer. It seems an ugly troll followed me home, so to speak.

I suspect this, er, "person," is someone who got banned from a forum I frequent, but I do have to wonder if it's someone I actually know in real life, instead. I can think of a few people who might hide behind cover of anonymity to do something like that. Oh well. No matter what they say, they'll never be able to say anything worse than I've already heard from my own mother. ;o) Poor sad little troll.

Moving on...

I did not do well this weekend. Like always, I started out okay, but then night time came, and, well...you know how that can be. I need to give myself a rule or something. "No eating after whatever o'clock at night." I never know what the "o'clock" should be. Any suggestions? Six is too early--we don't always finish dinner by six. I mention that because it was suggested to me. I've tried seven before, but we don't always finish dinner by seven, either. Eight, maybe? Hmmm....eight could work. Nine? I wonder if nine gives me too much "snacking" time. Just after dinner? I don't know. Decisions, decisions.

How do you deal with cravings? I usually just give in to them, or I sit and think about it to the point that I end up giving in anyway, feeling very deprived in the process. But it's not realistic to always give in to them. So any serious suggestions are welcome.

Calories Today:

2 eggs + 1/4 c. skim milk-163

~1.5 c. creamy Philly rose penne-435
40 g romano-160

1 Smarties ball-180
1 chocolate cherry-70

1 pork chop "finger"-252
1/4 pot COM rice-220
salad-20

1 Smarties ball-180
2 chocolate cherries-140

Running Total: 1820
Left for Today: 180

Water: 72/120 oz.

Exercise:

Caution: Will Bite

2010-11-06T15:52:00.002-06:00

Well, I'm in my cranky place today. I almost want somebody to tick me off, just so I can be a bitch. But everybody's being nice to me today. Bastards. It's a plot, I tell you!

I should be napping. It looks like this is going to be my "difficult" day (TOM). Maybe tomorrow, too. If I'm napping, I can't bite, too. Win-win.

I had oatmeal for breakfast, and then we went to the Olive Garden around 2:30. I have leftovers. I don't know if I'll need dinner tonight or not. If so, it will be pretty late. We just got home--it's 4:00 now, and I'm pretty full. Maybe if I need something later, I can keep it small, and then my calories for the day probably won't be too bad. I don't know if it was just today or what, but our portions of everything at the Olive Garden were much smaller than they used to be. But I still managed to save enough for leftovers. :o)

One More Thing...

2010-11-05T10:58:00.003-06:00

I have one more "to-do" relating to medical things, not counting my impending trip to the doctor to get my results. I never did go for the results before, thinking I could just go when I get the echo cardiogram results, which I should get next week. The "one more" thing is my second therapy orientation.

The test went okay, I think. Of course, I don't know the results. The technician told me it would take about half an hour, but luckily it didn't. I say "luckily" because my tummy was upset! Beauregard is not a morning demon. Then I had to get a chest x-ray, but that didn't take long at all. I was surprised at how fast it was.

I saw the most gorgeous sunrise (I almost wrote sunset, lol) this morning! It was truly beautiful. I wish I'd had a camera with me. I doubt it could have really captured it, though. It was warmer this morning than it is now, too. It was 15°C, and now it's 12°C. Odd. Yesterday was 22°C. Unbelievable!

I only went over my calories by 5 yesterday. And I figured out that I burned about 180 calories from my walk, so that's not bad. I know it's still pretty warm for November, but it's cloudy today. Not sunshiney and lovely like yesterday.

I'm trying out Firefox for the first time (sort of) today. I installed IE9 Beta, and I hate it. Plus, a bunch of stuff I've been up to lately requires Firefox, so I thought I'd give it a try. My husband uses it on his computer, and I've had troubles with certain websites before when using his computer, but after a quick learning curve this morning, I think I've got the hang of it. So far, anyway. ;o)

I took myself out to breakfast this morning after my echo cardiogram. Oops. Hopefully that will mean I won't need much for lunch. Eggs Benedict may or may not have been involved.

Calories Today:

@Denny's:
2 eggs Benedict-695
2 strips bacon-90

1 stuffed pepper half-226

110 g light ricotta-160

Running Total: 1171
Left for Today: 829

Water: 32/112 oz.

Exercise:

I Must Be Blind

2010-11-04T11:14:00.007-06:00

Because I can barely read my Facebook wall these days. What were they thinking!? I know I'm not the only one.

I have leftover chicken for lunch, but I don't want it. Guess what I want instead? :-D Go on, guess. Can you guess? Yes, you're right--sushi. I'll have to check my bank balance and see if I'm willing to sacrifice money for yummy. ;o)

Well, I didn't quite make my "under 2000" yesterday, but it could have been worse. When I thought I was going swimming, I admit I thought to myself, "Oh, this won't matter, because I'll be getting extra exercise." But then I didn't go swimming. Why can't my husband be a swimming fanatic!? I like it when he comes with me, because he'll go to the fun pools.

It's a nice, sunny day out today. I should take advantage and go for a walk or something. First I have to shower. I had an excellent sleep last night, but I slept too long and therefore am behind in everything again. But at least I'm not behind AND exhausted like I was yesterday! The only glitch in my sleep was Spices telling me that he had no food and was starving to death. But he did this at 7:20, and my husband wasn't up yet (but he should have been), so perhaps kitty did a good deed with his alarm clock routine today.

Tomorrow is my echocardiogram. I'm a bit nervous about it. I have to be there by about 8:20. My appointment is at 8:40. I'll have to get up early. I hope my heart's not broken. At least I know where this place is. We went and found it on the weekend. :o)

Calories Today:

40 g oatmeal-150
1 T brown sugar-34
splash of 1% milk-28
12 g light peanut butter-64

6 pcs. dynamite roll-278
6 pcs. California roll-200
1 salmon nigiri-42

3 stuffed pepper halves-678

~2 c. popcorn w/butter-80

2 squares peanut butter chocolate bar-112
2 squares caramel chocolate bar-96
2 cherry chocolate-160
3/4 c. 1% milk-83

Running Total: 2005
Left for Today: -5

Water: 48 (I gotta be honest...I kind of lost track)/112 oz.

Exercise:

25 minute walk: -180

Today

2010-11-03T11:32:00.007-06:00

It looks lovely out today. I stayed up too late reading last night, so I'm moving slowly and kind of behind on things today. Luckily, I have nothing urgent to do. Unless you count my course. Which is something I can't concentrate on anyway. Maybe I'll try.

Yesterday's counselling orientation was all right. Nothing to be nervous about. It was really easy to find, too. We sat in a room (they provided us with cookies, juice, and water, which was nice), and they just talked a bit about therapy and the misconceptions people have about it. Next week it sounds like they'll get into more specifics.

I screwed myself over in the evening again. I was thinking that today, I need to make a commitment to not do that. Today, I WILL stay under 2000 calories. In order to accomplish that, I'd better eat. Like I said, I'm behind (I missed breakfast), and I'm starving!

I wouldn't mind swimming tonight, but I haven't heard from anyone. I don't want to always be the one asking, but it looks like that's where I'm headed.

Calories Today:

salad-20
100 g spaghetti-353
1/2 c. meat sauce-112
50 g romano-200
------------------------------------
3 treat-sized Caramilks-150
1 treat-sized peanut m&m's-70
3/4 c. 1% milk-83

55 g light ricotta-80

2 Shake N' Baked chicken breasts(1 normal-sized, and 1 quite small)-350(?)
~1/2 c. farfalle with ricotta-190(?)
~1/2 c. carrots with butter-150(?)

3/4 c. 1% milk-83
granola bar-110

3/4 c. 1% milk-83
peanut butter cups-260

Running Total: 2294
Left for Today: -294 Argh!!!

Water: 80/120 oz.

Exercise:

Was supposed to be swimming, but nobody wants to go. :o(

Odd...

2010-11-02T11:02:00.003-06:00

I did not have a very good sleep last night. I went to bed fairly early (for me), but then I woke up at about 4 a.m., feeling very mad about the dumbest things. Things that happened years and years ago (some of it at least 12 years ago!). Most of it was related to previous employment, nasty former co-workers, that kind of thing. I kinda thought I was over it by now, but apparently not. That's never happened to me before. How odd. I hope it doesn't happen tonight! I had been reading a discussion board where this sort of thing has a section of its own. Maybe I shouldn't read that section anymore...

Then, when I was sleeping peacefully this morning, my doorbell rang. It was, of course, my mother, who did not call, but just invited herself over. Grrr... Anyway, she wanted me to go to Denny's, which is becoming a problem because my love for eggs benedict is bad for my weight. So I said no this time. My brother should be done his seasonal job soon, so that will hopefully be something I won't have to worry about for a few months. That's the one bad thing about this nice weather--they keep extending his contract. Too bad he doesn't get a different job somewhere else. Like, some other city. I'm totally okay with seeing my family a couple times a year. :p

Tonight is my first counselling orientation. It goes from 5-6:30. I am a bit nervous about it, because I don't know what to expect. I have to wonder, still, why it's so long, and why there are two parts (the other part is next Tuesday). How much orientation could one need? I was concerned about when I'm going to eat dinner, but now I see it doesn't go as late as I thought, so I can eat afterwards. Crap, if it doesn't let out early, I'm going to miss The Big Bang Theory! This is terrible news...

I did great yesterday...until night time. I sabotaged myself, and what's worse, I did it on purpose. I wasn't even hungry, but I had two pieces of bread--one plain, and one with peanut butter and honey, a couple small slices of romano, and a couple small glasses of milk. Why did I do this? I don't know. I really don't know.

Calories Today:

40 g oatmeal-150
1 T brown sugar-34
1/4 c. skim milk-23

1.5 pork chop "fingers"-348
1/4 pot COM rice-225
salad-20

leftover icing (it's just a glaze-no butter)-200(?)

Running Total: 1000
Left for Today: 1000

Water: 24/120 oz.

Exercise:

November Already?

2010-11-01T12:36:00.004-06:00

Seriously, where did this year go? Wasn't it just March a little while ago? How scary, that the year's gone by so fast.

We didn't do too much this weekend. We had 38 kids for Halloween, down from almost 60 the last two years. You'd think there'd be more with it having been so nice out yesterday, but I've heard that some people have a problem with Halloween when it falls on a Sunday. So maybe that was it.

Tomorrow night is my first counselling orientation. I have no idea what to expect, why there are two, or even exactly where the place is that I have to go. I guess I'd better find out. I can't see it being too hard to find--I think it's in the same parking lot as a mall.

My back hurts today, but it's TOM week, so that could be the culprit. I always hurt more that week.

I don't have much to say today, really...

Calories Today:

1 dynamite roll-370
1 California roll-200
1 salmon nigiri-42

3/4 c. 1% milk-83
treat-sized Snickers-60
treat-sized Caramilk-50
treat-sized peanut butter cup-80

sunflower seeds-200

1.5 pork chop "fingers"-348
1/4 pot +~2T COM rice-253
salad-20

20 g Cheecha Krackles-90
3/4 c. 1% milk-83
treat-sized Snickers-60
treat-sized Caramilk-50

Running Total: 1989
Left for Today: 11

Water: 48/120 oz.

Exercise:

What I Should Do

2010-10-29T11:10:00.006-06:00

What I should do (for lunch), is eat my leftover meatloaf muffins with some salad and maybe some egg noodles with a tiny pat of butter.

What I want to do, is get sushi.

Decisions, decisions. On the one hand, I want to try to not eat out at all for the next two weeks, particularly for dinner. I'm feeling frugal today. On the other hand, this won't be dinner. And I've budgeted spending money for myself, which I generally spend on sushi. And I can't have it for lunch tomorrow (the sushi) because they don't open until 4. Halp! What's a sushi-addicted but still kinda cheap girl to do? It's calling to me...

In an effort to not eat out until next payday, I'm working on my meal plan. I've got it all covered except for three Saturdays and a Wednesday (my meal plan goes until Nov. 15). Wednesdays are usually "chicken" night, or at least that was the plan a long time ago, but we both seem to have gotten a bit sick of chicken. But that's okay--one day out of however many are in my meal plan won't kill us. But those Saturdays might. I solved my Sunday problem with the creamy Philly rose penne recipe, and a fresh basil plant (it makes the whole dish! Add mushrooms if you try it...and then sprinkle it with some shredded romano. Yummy!).

So, does anyone have any super-easy Saturday suggestions? The fewer ingredients, the better. Also, the tastier, the better. I don't ask for much. ;o)

Calories Today:

2 eggs + 1/4 c. 1% milk-168

2 meatloaf muffins-260
56 g egg noodles-200
~2 t. butter-68
salad-20
(and the $14.54 that I would have spent on sushi goes into my savings!)

2 slices of my delicious an' wunnerful homemade pizza-492
1 T light Ranch-40

2 T herb & garlic dip-50
~25 g chips (maybe less)-135
3/4 c. 1% milk-83

slice of chocolate cake-300
~1.5 c. 1% milk-165

Running Total: 1981
Left for Today: 19

Water: 72/120 oz.

Exercise:

WOW.

2010-10-28T20:24:00.001-06:00

Check out this article.

Disgusting.

Title

2010-10-28T10:07:00.002-06:00

I feel unimaginative today. ;o)

I went to a movie last night. It was fun, but I was 20 minutes late, thanks to my tummy and then the fact that I missed the exit. Oops. Oh, and I totally forgot about the major trail in our city, that would have gotten me there much faster. How does one completely forget about the most major trail in one's city? I don't know. I'm guess I'm just special that way.

Anyway, the movie was Salt, and it was good. It ended too suddenly, though! I hope there's going to be a sequel, but I don't know how it did at the box office, so I don't know how likely that is.

I'm still having a bit of trouble with the snacking. I don't know how I did yesterday. It's so important for me to count; I don't know why I have such trouble with it lately. At least I know for sure that I'm having meatloaf muffins tonight. But that's all I know.

My mother is here. She's taking me to Denny's. So far, so good, but ya never know how it will go...

Calories Today:

Running Total: 0
Left for Today: 2000

Water: 0/120 oz.

Exercise:

Snow? Noooo!

2010-10-27T10:22:00.002-06:00

It's snowing here today. It's light, though. In fact, it might have stopped by now. I can't tell. I have no idea where my snow brush is, or whether I'll need it.

I have to go to the chiropractor today. I was planning to steal my husband's lunch if he forgot it again, but he didn't, so after the chiropractor, I think I'll get sushi. And there I shall practice not engaging with the lady who owns it (I think she's one of the owners, anyway), in order to disabuse her of the notion that she has the right to comment on my choices. What one won't put up with for good sushi...

I did okay yesterday until night-time. My husband brought home danishes. I had one. :o/ I also had a chocolate bar. I did not write these things down. Oops. Oh well, all I can do is do better today. Hopefully. No wait--never mind hopefully, I CAN, dammit! I think dinner is going to be "breakfast" (eggs and pancakes). We'll see. I have no other meal plan.

I'm still not quite in my happy place today. Better than yesterday, though, I think. Maybe just getting out a bit (to go to the chiropractor) will help. I don't know if there's swimming going on tonight or not. I suppose I will find out later. I must admit, I don't want to whine and be all "poor me" about it, but I feel like most of my friends dropped out of sight as soon as I admitted that everything is not all sunshine and rainbows with me. But maybe that's just my perception, due to the depression itself. S'possible. I dunno. If not swimming, I could go to a movie I was invited to, so I guess that proves it's not all of them, at least.

Well, I don't know what else to say, so I'll shut up now. ;o)

Calories Today:

35 g proscuitto-75
blueberry danish-263

Running Total: 338
Left for Today: 1662

Water: 0/120 oz.

Exercise:

Stuff

2010-10-26T09:35:00.005-06:00

Well, I managed to count yesterday, even if I did go over a bit. Okay, quite a bit. Still, I counted everything (I'm pretty sure). I'll do the same today. I know it's quite boring and it makes the posts longer, but I think it helps me to post what I eat right on here. It seems like when I stopped doing that is when I fell hard off the wagon.

My echocardiogram has been moved up (from January 7th) to November 5th, so that's good, I guess. I'm a little bit nervous about it. What if something really is wrong? I hope not. My heart felt like it was beating too fast when I woke up early this morning (which made me panic a bit, I think, which never helps, but I didn't take anything for it because I didn't have water right there). Maybe I noticed it more because I had earplugs in and they sometimes make my heartbeat really obvious. But it was still too fast.

I am having a bad day, mood-wise. I feel guilty about something I did almost two months ago, even though I already apologized (I don't think it was accepted). I keep trying to be a better person, but when I don't succeed I feel like it's pointless. Everything feels pointless at the moment. I think this is probably the depression talking...which probably means I should try to find something positive to focus on today. Like what? I don't know. I'll have to figure it out.

My husband suggested going to the Pass this weekend. I think this may be a Very Bad Idea (for my mental health) unless we stay in a hotel. And then we'll get the guilt trips. Yippee. But of course, if we stay in a hotel, we can leave when the guilt trips start...if we can get through Grandma's patented "glare of disapproval," that is...hmmm. But I'm feeling cheap, too. Damn cheapness--screws everything up.

I'm going to go and find something to do that will hopefully make me feel more positive now...

Calories Today:

avocado-222

salad-20
pork chop-283
1/4 pot COM rice-225

21 g proscuitto-45
25 g chili cheese Ruffle chips-135
15 g pumpkin seeds-78
mini peanut m&m's-70
3/4 c. 1% milk-83

1/2 c. beef stroganoff-101
1.5 c. egg noodles-243
salad-20

22 g proscuitto-47
25 g black forest ham-27
20 g chili cheese Ruffle chips-108
3/4 c. 1% milk-83

Running Total: 1790
Left for Today: 210

Water: 96/120 oz.

Exercise:

Shrink

I'm Moving!

Happy Mother's Day My Ass

I'b Still Here

You Will Not Believe What Just Happened to Me

Ow...

Vindicated!

Nooooo...............................................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not Impressed

*Yawn*

I Feel Better :o)

You Know What Would Be Good?

Kitty Surgery :o( Update: :o)

Got Mah Hair Did

Because I'm Not Already Stressed Out Enough...

It's Like This For Me

I Changed My Mind

Um, Hi.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Over It

Hurt. :o\

*sigh*

I'm Either a Hypochondriac Or...

I Cannot Breathe

Happy Groundhog Day!

One Day At a Time

I Can Do This (?)

I Don't Know What to Do!

I Has Da Munchies

Insert Title Here

So Much Stuff!

Lazy Bones

Well...

Still Kickin'

I Shall Return

Or Not...

So Far, So Good

Bug?

Much Better...

Ohhh...

So Far the Plan

Tricksy Little Small Plates

Wowee, I'm Tired!!!

What Are Your New Year's Resolutions?

The Wii Has Broken My Body!

What Am I Doing Up?

Christmas 2010

Merry Christmas, Everybody!

Merry Christmas Eve!

Takin' It Easy

Why Does the Day Go By So Fast!?

Week Two of Schedule: Not Going So Well

What to Write?

Difficulty...

M'Up! *Zonk*

Ain't It Funny How Time Slips Away

A Schedule...

Buried in Boxes

Well, That's All Right

Christmas Trees!

S-s-so Cold...

Would Anyone Like a Cat?

The Gremlins Stole My Tinfoil Hat

It's Official

Just Another Manic Monday

I Need Pliers and Duct Tape

Christmas Time's a Comin'...

Ahhhh...*relaxed sigh*

Title

Damn Winter!

Uh-Oh

Weekend

*Yawn*

Oooh, Positively Balmy!

"Only" -24 Today

The Second Coldest Place on Earth?

Today I Learned...

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas...

How-To Help

Tahiti?

Yawn

sigh

M'Up! Zonk

Ahhhh...relaxed sigh

Yawn

Grumble